Monday, June 25, 2012

One Too Many Cop Shows

After a few hours at the pool today, I was loading the kids in the car.  Hudson was soaking wet so I was standing outside the vehicle changing his clothes while he stood inside the car mooning everyone.  Behind me I heard a loud, steady, obnoxious noise that sounded like a police siren.  Whoop.  Whoop.  Whoop.  You know...that slow siren that means - "I know you already see me, Speedy - so pull it on over - don't make me go full throttle siren on you."

I seriously thought a police car was right behind us.

Instead, there was a boy on a bicycle edging nearer making a perfect siren noise - with his mouth.

Think Chunk. Off the Goonies.  On a bike.

I pulled Hudson's dry shorts up and made a quiet announcement to the other boys in the car. "Fellas, there is something very weird going on behind us."

Being ever so sly, they all broke their necks turning around quickly to see what was going on behind our vehicle.  I thought surely the child would ride his bike past us - and that would be that.  "Ha!  Such a funny kid - freaking people out with his siren mouth."  What an entertaining moment.

I thought he'd ride on past.  Until he didn't.

When he actually arrived at our vehicle he quickly dismounted from his bike and pulled a fake gun on me.

He stood in a perfect police man stance.  Arms out.  Keeping me within aim.  This kid was dead serious.

"Put your hands up lady - put em where I can see em."

I had just wrangled Hudson out of the swimming pool (since no length of swimming is long enough for a three year old).  Swimming ending is eerily similar to the entire world ending.  It was 5:30 p.m. and I had no idea what we were eating for supper.  In other awesome news, I still haven't figured out how to leave the pool without it taking 30 extra minutes.  I gather two kids, go to find the third and fourth, to come back and find I now have zero children gathered up.  This gets my arms flailing and causes me to march around the pool's perimeter with terrible posture.  Gathering up my kids and their pool accessories is a lot like a really bad comedy routine.  Like Three's Company kind of bad.  Even though I say, "I am not carrying your Nalgenes" every time we leave the pool, I walked to the car carrying a heavy pool bag with three Nalgenes hanging from one finger.  Halfway to the car I imagined that finger falling off from the weight of all that water.  I was so ready to be in the car, I would have kicked the fallen finger to the curb and counted it a loss.  We were late, hungry, and tired.  Now a child on a bike was trying to arrest me.  I wanted to be in the mood for this, but I just wasn't.  I was more like, "Why.  Why is my life so weird."

After checking one more time to make sure the gun in his hand was fake, I rested my head up against the car and sighed out an exhausted, "I don't want to put my hands up.  My arms are really tired."

The mini-bike cop wasn't interested in small talk or defiance.

"Back away from the vehicle ma'am.  Stay right where I can see you."

I started smiling.  This is really happening.  It really is.  I let it soak in.  And I backed away from the car.  Like people do when being arrested at the public pool by the kid off Goonies.

This boy, high on too many police movies, was for real.  Legit.  No breaking character.  Not even for a moment.  He was all kinds of serious.  Confident.

He walked over - police man style - slow and cautious - and stood in front of the driver's door. It was open.  He took one look at our oldest son in the passenger's seat and said, "Ma'am - I need the boy to come with me. He's under arrest."

I protested.  "What for?  What did he do?"

"Get out of the car, sir.  Step away from the car."

Anson was going nowhere.  His eyebrows were raised as if to say - "Mom, why?  Why is this our life?"

"That boy is in possession of drugs," the police child insisted.

"Drugs?  My baby?  Doing drugs?  Well - I don't know.  He doesn't have the money for drugs.  He's broke.  I think you have the wrong person.  Where would he ever get the money to pay for drugs?  I've heard they are expensive."

Sergeant child would not be deterred.

"That boy has been stealing money out of your wallet (dramatic pause) in your purse. To buy drugs."

"Well, he's a really nice boy" -

I was interrupted.  "Ma'am.  I need him to get out of the vehicle and come with me."

"No.  His mother wants him to stay in the car. We are all really hungry - and in a hurry - and I still have no idea what we're eating for dinner tonight."

Police boy was not happy.  He was downright unmoved and unimpressed.

I decided to thank him - butter him up a bit.  Save Anson's life.

"You are a fabulous police officer.  I'm sure you'll find the person who is doing drugs and stealing money from their mother's purse - thanks for keeping our neighborhood safe."

He stood there.  With his angry eyes.  Shaking his head.

As I drove away, he quickly got back on his bike and chased our car down the road.  Mouth siren blazing.

Then he fake shot us.  Twice.

We drove for a few minutes in silence until someone said, "Did that just happen?"

Yes.  It did.

Speaking of the kid off Goonies - check him out now.  Didn't you love Chunk?  I was a huge fan.  I may need to hire him to get Anson's drug charges dismissed.


Kris said...

Literally laughing out loud as I read this to my children:)

Cami Franklin said...

What amazes me is that you thought quickly enough to get a photo! LOVE it!!!!

The Farmers Nest said...

That is all kinds of awesome. We had a local teen in our small town that would do this same thing on his bike and even take it so far as to direct traffic in the intersection of our small town and hwy 290. Funny thing is that everyone would follow his orders.

Hendrick Family said...

Oh - I had plenty of time to take his photo. That child was not about to budge.

So funny. He needs his own show.

Krulls in Haiti said...

I have no words, this is so freaking hilarious. Wow.

Elizabeth said...

Hilarious...and a little disturbing!

Susan, wife of 1, mother of 4 said...

I'm with Cami. I have to admit the whole time I was reading this (kind is disturbed for the boy), I was thinking how calm you were and how patient, and AMAZED that you thought to get a picture! I might have called the real police on him (not really)! You are definitely special in the kingdom - don't know what God has for you, but it's something special!

RaeAnnK said...

I am jealous of these adventures you find yourself in...just enjoy and keep sharing.

beth lehman said...

so glad it was you! and that you wrote about it!

wrangling children away from water. hate it.

Meesh said...

Okay, So I'm sitting on the couch and lisa says "meesh, you seriously have to read heather's blog post." she starts to read and i start cry laughing. yes, this exact situation happened to us five minutes before it happened to you. I'm so glad i have some one other than 4 preteens to share the joy with. it was truly a memorable experience. my response was to put my hands on the car telling him i would do whatever he asked, just that he not take the children. he was equally unimpressed by the saenz kids for not going with it. Isaiah just kept saying "meesh, do you know this kid? wait seriously? do you know this kid? what is going on? i'm really confused." my favorite was that he followed us all the way to the other side of the block without me knowing and ended up directly in front of my car with his "gun" pointed at head on at our windshield. best. pool day. ever.

Alyssa said...

This is amazing. Great start to my morning. hahaha.

Melissa said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in ages! I'm a little bit scared about this kid's future! :)

Andrea said...

Ridiculously hilarious!! Thanks for a little taste of home! This would never happen in Singapore and maybe wouldn't happen anywhere but small town Texas. I miss small town Texas. :)

Melda said...

I seriously can not believe that this really happened to you....except for, to the best of my knowledge, you've never lied to!