Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Because Today Is Wednesday


And the new season of Man Vs. Wild has begun.

So far this season we've noticed that in addition to branching out and trying all sorts of new feces, Bear seems to also be getting naked a lot these days.

He did naked push ups last week. Grossed me out as much as when he slept inside a dead camel.

Last week he ate deer poo. He goes on to explain himself (as if he could)..."Deers don't digest a lot of their food, so you can eat their dookie because what came out the back end is very similar to what went in the front end." Okay, those are my words...but what Bear said was similar to that, and he said it in a British accent. British people can say words like dookie and it sounds so brilliant you feel like you should be taking notes.

To this, my smart brother said, "Well if the deer poop is a lot like what the deer was eating to begin with, why doesn't he just eat some grass instead?"

Right...

Why doesn't he?

Instead of eating a foragers poop, why not just forage?

And instead of eating the apple out of a bear's poop, why doesn't he just look around for the apple tree?

Sheesh.

Below is something I wrote a couple years ago.

You know what the Hendrick boys (and their grossed out mother) will be doing tonight before bed.



Alrighty.

It's time to talk about this fella.

Oh yep.

Have you seen this show?

Man vs. Wild?

If not, here's what happens:

This man, Bear Grylls jumps out of a helicopter and lands in the middle of nowhere.

He has to get back to safety using only a few survival tools.

Usually those few survival tools consist of a flint, a shoelace and a water canteen.

I have seen this man smack a live fish with a piece of wood, hold up that fish and say, "This will make a tasty meal."

"That's nice," I think. It will. Fish is good. It's low in cholesterol. I'm glad this dirty man is going to get to eat.

But then he says, "Making a fire will be too much trouble, so I'm just going to eat it raw...right here...in front of you."

And then he does.

And then I gag.

Too much trouble to make a fire?

Too much TROUBLE?

It's more trouble to make a fire than to eat a fish RAW?

I would need a million years to wrap my brain around that logic.

Holding the stunned, flopping fish he says, like it's no big deal..."You take one big bite, then stick your hand in the hole, and rip all it's guts right out."

No. No you don't.

No. I want him to stop that.

My family begs me to watch this show with them.

At a rate of about three times per show this happens in our living room:

Bear does something so nasty that my boys start DANCING around the room, high-fiving each other, beating their chests, so proud of their hero and that they have the same boy parts that he has.

I on the other hand almost vomit into the cushions on the couch.

Here are some highlights of his shows that have sent me running out of the room or made me start beating the couch saying, "No! No! No! God please, No!"

He held up a cute little tree frog and said, "There are no poisonous tree frogs in the swamps of Louisiana."

"That's nice, I think."

And then he ate the frog.

And then Bear called that frog, "protein."

No. That was a frog, fool.

It was alive.

If that wasn't bad enough, he said, "You have to kill it on the first bite, or it wiggles all the way down your throat."

I almost gagged when I typed that.

Really.

I've seen him walk up to a dead animal and:

A. shew away the vultures and then start EATING the raw meat right off the bone. I'm not making this up. It was a zebra. And Bear almost threw up. I was practically crying, it was so traumatic.

B. talk about how the meat is too old and so he can't eat it or he would get a disease or something..."Whew!" I think..."I'm so glad he's not going to eat that, because that would be disgusting." But wait...hold the flint...that's when he starts eating the maggots.

The maggots.

He ate them.

Maggots.

I can't get over it.

I've seen this man pee on his shirt while saying, "Man my pee is stinky because I'm so dehydrated." "Gross," I thought. But not gross enough, obviously, because then he took that stinky pee shirt and WRAPPED IT AROUND HIS HEAD.

He wrapped his head with pee.

Stinky pee.

And the shirt was wrapped around his mouth.

Pee.

On his mouth.

And then he talked about how great it felt.

That's when I think, "I want to punch this man." I want to hit him with a stick, while sobbing and screaming, "Stop it! Just stop this! Please, I need you to stop doing these things!"


I've seen him eat LIVE snakes.

And then last night, I almost DIED when he ate a sheep's eye.

I had to type that sentence with my eyes SHUT, and now I am straining very hard to keep from looking up at the above sentence with said eye nasty in it.

I'm sure the point of this show is to do more than just make little boys, their dad, and sometimes Ryan, raise their hands and cheer when Bear does something so repulsive, you want to pretend it's a stunt...a magic trick, or an illusion.

I'm sure the point is to teach the audience how to survive if they were ever stranded in some far away, harsh environment.

But this show has not done that for me. Not at all. Instead, while watching it, I have actually said, out loud, unashamedly, "I hate nature."

It's true. God made it, but Bear makes me hate it. When I see all those mountains, and the snow and him eating maggots, it makes me glad to be on my couch; with my blanket; holding my Sonic cup full of clean, non-buggy water; in my house; in the city.

He has not made me excited about survival. My boys love it. They talk about Bear Grylls like he's a super hero. They would wear, WWBD bracelets. They make lean-to forts called, "shelters" in the back yard, in their bed room, and in the school room. If they are hungry and we're out running errands, they will talk FOREVER in the back seat about all the nasty things they could eat that they see on the side of the road, or in the floor at Target. I've heard Hayden say, "Man Versus Wild Man would eat this." I can say, "Put that down" without even looking back to see what he has. I know it's gross without turning around.

Before watching this show regularly, if you would have asked me if I would survive in the wilderness I would have given you an unsure, "I don't know. Probably."

Not anymore. Instead of honing my survival skills, Bear has taught me that if stranded in the middle of nowhere, I would do one thing:


DIE

I would die.

No question about it.

First I would cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And if a bug even touched me, much less got into my mouth, that would be the end of me.

If someone said, "Now make a fire, with no matches or lighter," I would laugh so hard, I would pee on MY shirt, but not on purpose, and I would certainly NOT wrap my head with it.

No. I would cry that my shirt had pee on it, and I couldn't change my shirt, because I only had a flint and a water canteen, neither of them sufficient for shirt replacing.

I would sit on the ground, after wrapping myself in my coat and cry...and then a bear would eat me.

Bear Grylls has taught me to stay home. He has taught me not to venture far from a highway.

Bear Grylls has taught me to never pack light. And where do you buy a flint? I'm getting one sewn onto my leg or something.

And what about his camera man?

How does camera man not at least GROAN when he sees Bear squeeze a big Elephant Poo into his mouth, so he can "rehydrate" on the pachyderm's poopy liquid?

How does one keep silent when witnessing someone squeeze Elephant poo juice into their mouth?

How?

How does the camera man not say, "Dude...seriously. I'm going to hit you if you do something like that again."

And what about his wife?

If Aaron came home from being stranded in some awful place, but told me he wrapped his head in pee and then ate maggots to survive, I would stand far away from him, tell him I loved him in sign language, blow him a kiss, but then demand that he go swim in a pool of gasoline, set himself on fire and then get his teeth ripped out at the dentist.

Welcome home, honey!

3 comments:

Amy said...

We're man vs wild fans here too but I can't say I'd want to eat maggots or deer poo or frogs but then again I've never been in that situation where I could starve. Doesn't sound very appetising though...

Shan said...

oh my gosh I am CRYING you are so funny!

Grace Family said...

Laughing out loud while reading your commentary! I'm sure there have been moments watching this with all your boys where you have thought, "Why couldn't I have had one girl that I could be playing innocent dress up with right now?!" JK... I know you love your boys and having two myself (who are too young to watch this right now) you are making me really look forward to all the gross things in my future!! Thanks for the laughter... I can always count on you for that!