Friday, December 19, 2008
I love my husband.
genuinely, creatively, spur of the moment funny.
He just called me and told me he had to poop.
This won't embarrass him.
If you were here, he'd tell you he needed to poop.
That's just what he does.
It's definitely a quirky thing about him that NO ONE expects from him.
I bet that's why he does it.
Most women should not write about their husband's bowels on their blog.
It might be humiliating and disrespectful to most men.
Not for my husband (and weirdly enough, not for my brother either. Lynsey could write about this kind of thing and Jason would be so proud).
On the phone, he tells me he needs to poop.
But he's in Wal-Mart.
That image right there almost makes me gag.
Now that everyone knows what public potties do to me, I don't have to elaborate.
I say, "You better not poop in Wal-Mart. That's so gross, I would never let you sit on our furniture or get in our bed again. I might have to divorce you."
Usually Aaron argues with me when I justify a new reason for divorce. He goes all "Jesus" on me.
My latest made-up, marriage loop hole is the stupidity clause.
It goes something like this...
"I will stay married to you unless you do something so stupid that does NOT kill you...it only severely injures you. If you do something so stupid, that everyone we know agrees was super stupid*, then if you end up in a wheel chair wearing the "oops I crapped my pants" diapers, I'm sending you back to your mother."
Sorry Grandma and Poppi. I'll drop your crippled son off on your front porch in the middle of the night. (I'll bring his diapers)
Now, if Aaron gets injured in a normal way...or it is an accident, and ends up in a wheel chair, that's different. I will love and serve him faithfully until I die. Accidents happen, and I will get to learn how to love Aaron in sickness, like I've loved him in health.
But I'm married to a man that thinks hanging off of roofs is fun, and doing acrobats off of ladders as tall as our church is a thrill. Crazy!! I can't make him stop that stuff. He won't agree to quitting. Instead, he bought a gigantic life insurance policy on himself. I guess that's something.
When someone comes to me and says, "You ought to see what your husband is doing. He's insane," I calmly say..."I don't want to see what he is doing, but will you go in there and say this to him..."Your wife wants to remind you of the stupidity clause."
On the phone today, instead of arguing that marriage is forever, even if diapers are involved, or Wal-Mart bathrooms, Aaron instead said...
"I know. I wouldn't poop here. I think you could definitely argue marital unfaithfulness and legitimately divorce me since I might get as many diseases sitting on a Wal-Mart potty as I would picking up a prostitute."
Much laughter from the wife.
He's a funny man.
* I imagine the process of determining whether I change Aaron's diapers for life, or send him to his mother to go like this...I get all our friends together. I tell them what Aaron did to cause the injury. I will probably be saying something like..."He was at the river. A group of guys were with him. There was a rope swing. The other guys were saying, "How will we know if the water is deep enough?" And then Aaron said, "I'll go see" and then he did a back flip, off the swing into the shallow water and broke his neck. Raise your hand if you think that was stupid. If the majority thinks it was, then I'm packing his "Going to Grandma's" suitcase.