Friday, December 19, 2008

Stupidity Clause

I love my husband.

He's funny.

genuinely, creatively, spur of the moment funny.

He just called me and told me he had to poop.

This won't embarrass him.

If you were here, he'd tell you he needed to poop.

That's just what he does.

It's definitely a quirky thing about him that NO ONE expects from him.

I bet that's why he does it.

Most women should not write about their husband's bowels on their blog.

It might be humiliating and disrespectful to most men.

Not for my husband (and weirdly enough, not for my brother either. Lynsey could write about this kind of thing and Jason would be so proud).


On the phone, he tells me he needs to poop.

But he's in Wal-Mart.

I shudder.

That image right there almost makes me gag.

Now that everyone knows what public potties do to me, I don't have to elaborate.

I say, "You better not poop in Wal-Mart. That's so gross, I would never let you sit on our furniture or get in our bed again. I might have to divorce you."

Usually Aaron argues with me when I justify a new reason for divorce. He goes all "Jesus" on me.

My latest made-up, marriage loop hole is the stupidity clause.

It goes something like this...

"I will stay married to you unless you do something so stupid that does NOT kill only severely injures you. If you do something so stupid, that everyone we know agrees was super stupid*, then if you end up in a wheel chair wearing the "oops I crapped my pants" diapers, I'm sending you back to your mother."

Sorry Grandma and Poppi. I'll drop your crippled son off on your front porch in the middle of the night. (I'll bring his diapers)

Now, if Aaron gets injured in a normal way...or it is an accident, and ends up in a wheel chair, that's different. I will love and serve him faithfully until I die. Accidents happen, and I will get to learn how to love Aaron in sickness, like I've loved him in health.

But I'm married to a man that thinks hanging off of roofs is fun, and doing acrobats off of ladders as tall as our church is a thrill. Crazy!! I can't make him stop that stuff. He won't agree to quitting. Instead, he bought a gigantic life insurance policy on himself. I guess that's something.

When someone comes to me and says, "You ought to see what your husband is doing. He's insane," I calmly say..."I don't want to see what he is doing, but will you go in there and say this to him..."Your wife wants to remind you of the stupidity clause."

On the phone today, instead of arguing that marriage is forever, even if diapers are involved, or Wal-Mart bathrooms, Aaron instead said...

"I know. I wouldn't poop here. I think you could definitely argue marital unfaithfulness and legitimately divorce me since I might get as many diseases sitting on a Wal-Mart potty as I would picking up a prostitute."

Much laughter from the wife.

He's a funny man.

* I imagine the process of determining whether I change Aaron's diapers for life, or send him to his mother to go like this...I get all our friends together. I tell them what Aaron did to cause the injury. I will probably be saying something like..."He was at the river. A group of guys were with him. There was a rope swing. The other guys were saying, "How will we know if the water is deep enough?" And then Aaron said, "I'll go see" and then he did a back flip, off the swing into the shallow water and broke his neck. Raise your hand if you think that was stupid. If the majority thinks it was, then I'm packing his "Going to Grandma's" suitcase.


BHG & Co. said...

Very funny. i loved Aaron's response. Now, concerning the stupidity clause...

You said that you have said to Aaron:
"If you do something so stupid, that everyone we know agrees was super stupid"

Well, I guess that includes me, so don't bother searching Leviticus.

Aaron... I would never vote that whatever you did was stupid. You can count on my vote.

BUT... your wife chaged it at the end to a majority vote kind of thing, so, i'll also have to lobby for you.

p.s. - I wouild have gone in Walmart (they have those seat cover things you know)

The Kramer Family said...


I do have plenty of poo stories to go around.

Jason called me the other day on the pot at the fire house. As if that's not bad enough, there were 2 other fire fighters in the bathroom with him all pooping.......and I could hear things! I think I'm scarred for life.

The Watterzes said...


I poop routinely at 7:47am and 1:59pm everyday. That way, I can plan where I am.

It's a gift.


Hendrick Family said... of my brother's stories can never be told because I'm going to write it into the world's funniest movie one day.

And Bill...

You're right. I did change it to a majority vote. Once I got to thinking about it, I realized that there are a handful of people, that no matter what Aaron did, they would never be on my side.

One of them was you.

The other was Mike Garratt.

And then there is Clayton.

And Joseph.

And Eric.

However, ALL of their wives would raise their hands. I know it.

And while I'm being honest, I might as well admit that we all know I'd never call an actual meeting to decide what to do with my crippled husband. That's so awful and not me.

I'd write a post about it, and then we'd all vote in the comment section.


Hendrick Family said...

I'm just guessing here, Sher-Man, but I'm kind of betting that now that Aaron has that information, he's going to set up reminders in his phone.

Prepare to be called while on the potty.

He's just that gross.


Anonymous said...

I have a great vision of someone who doesn't like to travel more than an hour from home driving 20 to deposit her husband, complete with diapers. :)

Anonymous said...

ha!!!!!!!!!!! You have NO idea how much better you've made me feel about one of my sons - who announces loudly, "I'm gonna go poop." I live with 5 males and this one still catches me off-guard. I go to great lengths to make that a private affair, so I simply do not grasp the willingness and in fact the JOY they find in announcing that event!


Kirby said...

you're so funny.

and i love this pic.

lyns is so talented.

you guys are so adorable.

Lerin said...

Seriously, you are the only person that can make me laugh so hard that I cry while reading your blog.

Connie said...

Oh, Heather, I would have to agree that the stupidity clause is an absolute must with Aaron. Good thinking.

I once thought I was going to die when he was taking a group of us (KIDS mind you) home from church.

If cell phones were not as big as shoe boxes and available then, I would have called my dad to come find me and rescue me.

His driving in and of itself should have it's own clause.

I'm sorry Aaron. But it's true. One drive with you made me review the plan of salvation and made my past flash before me.

O.k., I'm not really sorry. You laughed and drove faster when I demanded that you slow down. AND you started swerving.