Friday, December 21, 2007
I'm sure some of you have noticed that I have been avoiding writing about the twins, the adoption stuff and how I'm doing.
I don't know what to say, and for a little while I struggled with that, and then I struggled with my need to always have something to say...to sum up God...like I can really do that...like words really are adequate for such a task.
We found out the girls are in CPS custody.
I had a few dark days.
Days when I had to lean entirely on Aaron for every thought and step.
I questioned things that are too scary to write out fully on a blog for all to read.
Does God speak to me?
Are there such things as coincidences?
Maybe those questions don't seem like whammies...but they are.
If God doesn't speak to me...am I His?
His sheep recognize His voice.
If God doesn't do crazy things anymore...is He really God?
He says He's the same...the same God that spoke to Mary many days ago...is my savior today.
I tried to live for about 12 hours making myself believe that maybe God doesn't speak to me. Maybe He's not really in the details of my life. I was mad, upset and hurt. I walked around numb. Numb. That's the best way to describe it. No tears. Numb.
After a full day, I broke down sobbing in my car sitting in the grocery store parking lot, crying out to God...
"I can't believe you are not here with me. I can't take that thought. My life today, pretending like you are not near, telling you to shove off, hasn't even made sense. I don't make sense without you. I don't know why you would allow me to go through something like this...feeling like YOU initiated something I wasn't even looking for, just to end up hurting me and letting me down...but this other option...living like you are not in complete control doesn't make any sense either."
"So what do I do with this, God? Huh? What the CRAP do I do?"
Though I don't understand this trial, try as I may, rejecting God right now is ridiculous. I don't know what to do with this one thing in my life. But, acting like God is distant, that He isn't the one orchestrating my life in this moment, even these tough, confusing ones, makes less sense than looking back over my messed up past, seeing all that God has done, seeing how the beauty around me does not make sense judging from where I've come...and acting like God wasn't involved. That would be insane of me.
His hand is evident far more than it is not. I can't deny that or dismiss it.
So it's not even going to be a question whether or not I trust Him.
But there are still so many other questions...
Why would He lead me to hope in something that would never come to be?
That seems cruel.
Why did He have me pray and fast and weep and yearn for girls who would end up in CPS custody?
Why would He invite me in to something just to crush me?
Again...it seems mean to me.
Why did I even have to know that, God?
Why did you involve me in something just so that I would know that the end result was my worst nightmare.
I know Harris County CPS.
We've been there.
Why, why, why, a million times...why God?
I don't know why.
And this post is not here to ask you why.
Right now, the wounds are so deep and raw, words from mere men would never be able to heal them.
So I sit here waiting.
Waiting for God to teach me.
To show me.
To help me learn from this mess of uncertainty.
We found out last Sunday night that New Life has five birth moms carrying biracial babies who are due to deliver between now and February.
We are still praying for the twins. God deliver them! Place them in a forever family! Place them in our family!
But we are excited that one way or another, God is about to increase the number of bodies in this home.
It could be so soon.
Right here is where the men might want to tune out...
Breastfeeding is fixing to be discussed...
But, I promised I would bring you with us on this journey into adoptionland.
So buckle up!
I have started pumping...which is not fun for lots of reasons, but also pretty much the most awkward thing I could possible decide to do in a household of all boys.
I said, "Get out!" about 8 times in 30 minutes today. Hayden can not understand what it is I am doing with Kirby's horns.
I borrowed Kirby's sister's hospital quality pump, which is so great, but Hayden opened the case the night I brought it home and well...I looked up and he was chasing Ashton around with the cup part, attached to a bottle, making blow horn noises.
Frequently, when this topic comes up, I will hear people say, "I had no idea moms who adopt can nurse their babies."
"You're going to breastfeed your adopted child?"
I LOVE breastfeeding, am a breastfeeding counselor, help lots and lots of women from our church and community get through breastfeeding problems...so I know my response is always unexpected.
I should say...
"Yes, adoptive moms can breastfeed their babies by using a nursing system, or by working on producing milk themselves."
Instead, I say..
"Shoot yeah, I'm going to nurse this new baby. I'd breastfeed your baby if you would let me!"
I am taking a medication right now that has a side effect that makes women lactate.
The only other alternative was pot...and well...I don't have the money.
I started my pills, got some stuff from the health food store and have to pump every four hours.
This is called trying to "relactate."
My body has done it before, so we're trying to encourage it to reminisce and start again.
Whether I make my own milk or not, I'm thrilled that adoptive moms can nurse using a supplementer system. I'll explain more about that later.
I have lots more to say about this...how the new Hendrick baby will be fed is INCREDIBLE to me.
That's what's going on in the Hendrick Home.
Getting ready for Christmas...and pumping while watching the Cosby Show.
Love the holidays!