Friday, December 21, 2007

Extremely Miscellaneous


I'm sure some of you have noticed that I have been avoiding writing about the twins, the adoption stuff and how I'm doing.

I know.

It's just...

I don't know what to say, and for a little while I struggled with that, and then I struggled with my need to always have something to say...to sum up God...like I can really do that...like words really are adequate for such a task.

We found out the girls are in CPS custody.

I had a few dark days.

Really dark.

Days when I had to lean entirely on Aaron for every thought and step.

I questioned things that are too scary to write out fully on a blog for all to read.

Scary questions.

Does God speak to me?

Are there such things as coincidences?

Maybe those questions don't seem like whammies...but they are.

If God doesn't speak to me...am I His?

His sheep recognize His voice.

If God doesn't do crazy things anymore...is He really God?

He says He's the same...the same God that spoke to Mary many days ago...is my savior today.

I tried to live for about 12 hours making myself believe that maybe God doesn't speak to me. Maybe He's not really in the details of my life. I was mad, upset and hurt. I walked around numb. Numb. That's the best way to describe it. No tears. Numb.

After a full day, I broke down sobbing in my car sitting in the grocery store parking lot, crying out to God...

"I can't believe you are not here with me. I can't take that thought. My life today, pretending like you are not near, telling you to shove off, hasn't even made sense. I don't make sense without you. I don't know why you would allow me to go through something like this...feeling like YOU initiated something I wasn't even looking for, just to end up hurting me and letting me down...but this other option...living like you are not in complete control doesn't make any sense either."

"So what do I do with this, God? Huh? What the CRAP do I do?"

Though I don't understand this trial, try as I may, rejecting God right now is ridiculous. I don't know what to do with this one thing in my life. But, acting like God is distant, that He isn't the one orchestrating my life in this moment, even these tough, confusing ones, makes less sense than looking back over my messed up past, seeing all that God has done, seeing how the beauty around me does not make sense judging from where I've come...and acting like God wasn't involved. That would be insane of me.

His hand is evident far more than it is not. I can't deny that or dismiss it.

So it's not even going to be a question whether or not I trust Him.

But there are still so many other questions...

Why would He lead me to hope in something that would never come to be?

That seems cruel.

Why did He have me pray and fast and weep and yearn for girls who would end up in CPS custody?

Why would He invite me in to something just to crush me?

Again...it seems mean to me.

Why did I even have to know that, God?

Why did you involve me in something just so that I would know that the end result was my worst nightmare.

I know Harris County CPS.

We've been there.

Why, why, why, a million times...why God?

I don't know why.

And this post is not here to ask you why.

Right now, the wounds are so deep and raw, words from mere men would never be able to heal them.

So I sit here waiting.

Waiting for God to teach me.

To show me.

To help me learn from this mess of uncertainty.

We found out last Sunday night that New Life has five birth moms carrying biracial babies who are due to deliver between now and February.

We are still praying for the twins. God deliver them! Place them in a forever family! Place them in our family!

But we are excited that one way or another, God is about to increase the number of bodies in this home.

It could be so soon.

Right here is where the men might want to tune out...

Breastfeeding is fixing to be discussed...

But, I promised I would bring you with us on this journey into adoptionland.

So buckle up!

I have started pumping...which is not fun for lots of reasons, but also pretty much the most awkward thing I could possible decide to do in a household of all boys.

I said, "Get out!" about 8 times in 30 minutes today. Hayden can not understand what it is I am doing with Kirby's horns.

I borrowed Kirby's sister's hospital quality pump, which is so great, but Hayden opened the case the night I brought it home and well...I looked up and he was chasing Ashton around with the cup part, attached to a bottle, making blow horn noises.

Frequently, when this topic comes up, I will hear people say, "I had no idea moms who adopt can nurse their babies."

"You're going to breastfeed your adopted child?"

I LOVE breastfeeding, am a breastfeeding counselor, help lots and lots of women from our church and community get through breastfeeding problems...so I know my response is always unexpected.

I should say...

"Yes, adoptive moms can breastfeed their babies by using a nursing system, or by working on producing milk themselves."

Instead, I say..

"Shoot yeah, I'm going to nurse this new baby. I'd breastfeed your baby if you would let me!"

I am taking a medication right now that has a side effect that makes women lactate.

Cool.

The only other alternative was pot...and well...I don't have the money.

I started my pills, got some stuff from the health food store and have to pump every four hours.

This is called trying to "relactate."

My body has done it before, so we're trying to encourage it to reminisce and start again.

Whether I make my own milk or not, I'm thrilled that adoptive moms can nurse using a supplementer system. I'll explain more about that later.

I have lots more to say about this...how the new Hendrick baby will be fed is INCREDIBLE to me.

That's what's going on in the Hendrick Home.

Getting ready for Christmas...and pumping while watching the Cosby Show.

Love the holidays!

13 comments:

Lauren Christine said...

Hello Heather-
I've been so enjoying reading about your adoption journey. I'm sorry I don't have any grand words of wisdom to comfort you with, when its YOUR words of wisdom that I am often comforted and challenged by. I have had an experience in my life where I could only describe myself as numb. I couldn't understand anything- I couldn't be comforted, I just couldn't even think. I didn't know where God was, and I was so hurt I couldn't even pick up my Bible to look for the answers. I will share with you the two verses that did make sense when I was so hurt and numb though-


"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

and

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

Psalm 30:5b

I'm married now, and I must tell you how EXCITED I am about you nursing your adopted baby (s). I love learning about breastfeeding and how the Lord has made our bodies prepared for such amazing works. How wonderful! I will be praying for you and your family, Heather. I've been reading your blog for a long time now- this is just the first time I've been brave enough to comment :)

Much Love in our Savior Christ-

Lauren (used to be Shary) Miles

SaraEaker said...

All I want to say is thank you for keeping us updated. I can only imagine how hard that post was to write. All I know is that vunerability is what we need as Christians, so thank you for being willing to type the scary questions that this situation has brought to your life. I will continue to pray asking God for those girls, asking God for your strength, and asking God to heal your deep wounds. Love you!

Anonymous said...

I don't understand it, either, but I know God speaks to you. Of that I have no doubt.

I don't miss the ol' pumpin' days, but if you want the boys to stay out, you can take a cue from a teacher friend and I. We hung cow signs on our classroom doors at lunch for a year so that all the other teachers would remember to quit knocking on the door incessantly during lunchtime!

Looking forward to holding the brand new Hendrick or Hendricks!

Melodi

Palermos said...

wow that is amazing..I've heard you talk about breastfeeding the new baby but never even considered how it would be done! You're awesome. Will you be on call for lessons if I need you at 3am when Brody comes in a few weeks? :)

derrickoliver said...

You dared me and I did it!

My mom breastfed me for a few weeks.

That's it.

Does that explain anything?

Hendrick Family said...

Wow.

D.O.

You know how to take a dare, don't you.

This made me laugh.

We miss you already!

And yes...

It explains a lot!

And Lauren!

I am so glad to hear from you! I miss your curly head!

Larra...

Of course I will be available. Not at 3 a.m....but most other times! It's a little known fact about me that I've seen most of the boosoms at LH. Really.

Ryan Price said...

Thanks for the update. Those are hard words, but good to hear the honesty in them. Thanks for your vulnerability.

Merry Christmas!
Ryan

emily said...

its so wonderful to read your words. words about doubt and trusting...thank you for always cutting yourself open...it's the way Jesus showed us to live and talk...I agree with Sarah, vulnerability is so needed!
Thank you for sharing :)

can't wait to see yall and play scrabble again!(ha--did i even spell that right?)

Holly said...

All I can say is I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!! I'm not adopting but I understand that exact thought process... even down to the thinking God is mean part. I hear ya sistah!!!

Rachel said...

You know, this is so random, but I was thinking about you the other day and wondering if you were planning on breastfeeding your adoptive baby. I haven't kept up with you lately, so I had no idea, but was about to email you the email address of a lady I know who is breastfeeding her 2 year old that she adopted. She had to supplement formula, but she's still going strong after 2 years!

Anyway, I'm glad you are already preparing for it, and I'm proud of you for trying.

Jennifer said...

Hey Heather - Jennifer Nelson here - Stephanie Catoe's friend (which is where I found your blog). I just wanted to say that I totally think it RAWKS that you are gonna breastfeed your adopted baby!! Eric and I have discussed adoption and if we adopt a baby, I am so going to try to breastfeed! I enjoyed the little bit of your blog that I read. Have a very Merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Heather--

I hear you also.
About not knowing if I heard the Lord and then doubting if I have ever heard, if he is who he says he is and so on.

But there are things that we know for a fact.

God is exactly down to the last teeny-tiny detail who he says he is.

He is faithful.

He does everything for our good and ultimately His Glory.

And, He is the same God of Joseph who he had showed in dreams to be the ruler of Egypt.

Then his brothers abandoned him.

Things went well.

Then he was put in jail for a crime he did not committ.

And then after continuing to be faithful to the Lord he finally was put as the VERY NEXT in line to the throne under Pharoah.

No one was more powerful.

God is exactly who He says he is.

He did in Josephs' life EXACTLY down to the last detail what he said he would do.

Period.

And then there is Isaac, Moses, Abraham, etc...

These are sometimes the ONLY things we can cling to.

Heather, please hold these truths tightly with me.

Where the girls are right now is not what the Lord sees.

He sees the beginning, the middle (where you are right now) and the end.

Love you all and I am on my knees for you because He is worthy and he Purposes great things!

Hugs,
Bekah

Jennifer Bacak said...

Keep on pumping friend! Good times with a cuddly baby on your breast are coming! As you know, I breastfed Justus (adopted, for those who don't know) and it was wonderful!
I'm praying for milk!
jenn