Can you imagine?
Between the old and new testaments, God's people waited...
for 400 years
never hearing a Word from God.
He had made lots of promises.
Their past was filled with miracles.
Obvious workings of the Lord in their lives.
They went 400 years without hearing anything!
I don't know how they did it.
Three weeks ago, we got a call from New Life asking us to pray about taking twin girls. That same day, I had a dream that we were chosen by a birthmom.
Since then, every single day, I have read in my Bible verses like...
Therefore also now, says the Lord, turn and keep on coming to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning [until every hindrance is removed and the broken fellowship is restored].
Rend your hearts and not your garments and return to the Lord, your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in loving-kindness; and He revokes His sentence of evil [when His conditions are met].Habakkuk 1:2-5
O Lord, how long shall I cry for help and You will not hear? Or cry out to You of violence and You will not save?
Why do You show me iniquity and wrong, and Yourself look upon or cause me to see perverseness and trouble? For destruction and violence are before me; and there is strife, and contention arises.
Therefore the law is slackened and justice and a righteous sentence never go forth, for the [hostility of the] wicked surrounds the [uncompromisingly] righteous; therefore justice goes forth perverted.Yes, I thought as I read this...I feel these things right now towards you, God. But then God answers Habakkuk...
Look around [you, Habakkuk, replied the Lord] among the nations and see! And be astonished! Astounded! For I am putting into effect a work in your days [such] that you would not believe it if it were told you.(A)
I could list a bajillion scriptures right here that I read this week, specific verses that I did NOT look up...that were just a part of my normal study time that all said the same exact thing...but I'll stop.
All that to say, it seems like every single day this week, God has placed scripture in my life that has shown me He is big, He is powerful, He can be trusted. I am to wait. I am to keep coming to Him and asking.
At the same time, I've been reading the Christmas story to my boys in the morning from a book called, Mary's first Christmas. Don't go buy it. It's not that awesome. But, God has used it this week to challenge me, and again, teach me. I have seen so many of the same issues, I'm going through right now in this story.
God's people sat for 400 years not hearing anything from God.
I can't imagine what they did during that time.
I can't imagine the darkness of the doubt they surely had to be wallowing around in.
"Did God really make those promises? Are the prophecies real? Where is He? What is He doing? Did we ever really hear from Him?"
Did they have to go back to the last thing God did...did they have to re-read the prophecies over and over, seeing evidence that God did INDEED do miraculous things in their midst? Was that the only thing they could hold onto during the waiting...during the silence?
And what about Joseph?
Do you know the way the Lord told Joseph to get involved in the life of Mary and the child Joseph was about to adopt was because an angel of the Lord came to Him in a dream and told him to?
I was fine with waiting on Monday...and even on Tuesday...sort of on Wednesday...but by this morning, I sat down and cried out to the Lord...
"What are you doing? Are you doing anything?"
I confessed that my faith is weakening, and it was never very strong to begin with.
"Lord, why did you include us in the life of this woman, and nothing has happened?"
I believe, that when I had that dream...the one where Cindy Seay said to me, you are about to be picked by a birthmom...and we were rejoicing...and then, that same day, Cindy Seay called us and told us about the twins...I believe that was a crazy miracle.
Forever, I've thought, "Maybe people can miss the Lord" on something.
I don't know if I believe that anymore. Disobey Him...yes, miss Him? No. If there is scriptural evidence of that, someone please send it to me! I need you to!
God came to Mary, who was probably NOT praying, asking God if she was to be the mother of Christ. He came to her and told her what was about to go down. She couldn't miss that.
The angel of the Lord spoke to Joseph in a dream. He was about to wash his hands of Mary and her baby...but the angel told him to get involved. There was no missing God.
The angels came to shepherds, who were probably sitting in a field, lighting their own farts at the time and told them God's son had been born...go find Him. Do you think they could have missed that? No way. Were they even looking for Him? No.
By thinking I could "miss God" does that infer that I have anything to do with hearing Him?
Or is it by His grace, His ability in my life that I ever hear Him in the first place?
And so, I'm sitting here today, so downcast, so honest before you...and the Lord, confessing that I'm confused. I believe that God spoke to me in a dream. Scripture supports that He can do that, and does that...and even does that about babies. I just read about Joseph this week!
But now, I'm forced to do, what I'm sure God's people had to do during the silence...going back to the last thing God said...the last thing God did.
I'm forced to do, what I'm sure Mary had to do during the years and years she raised her son. Was it hard to wait, having heard the prophesies, having lived through something as crazy and obvious as the angel coming to her...God sending wise men to worship her son. Were there times when she would watch her 8 year old son and think, "Is he really supposed to be the king? Did I hear God? Was all that true? But it must be true. His birth was incredible. God did miraculous things." She would have to wait until Jesus was in his 30's to see God's plan unfold. I can't imagine that wait! I wonder if she had doubt. Did she confess at times that no matter what God had done in the past, her faith was weak?
Right now, if I'm terrifyingly honest, here's what I think...
I think God told us three weeks ago that these girls would be ours.
I believe if it were not for that dream...if it were not for the fact that on the same day of that dream, Cindy contacted us, I would be FINE right now washing my hands of all of this. I would be FINE with saying, "We were supposed to pray for the twins. That's how God wanted us involved." But, because of the dream...I can't say that. In the dream, we were CHOSEN to parent those kids. In the dream, it was settled. Then the phone call, that day from New life...
"But what about the dream...about the phone call God?" I say.
"But what about the prophesies...about your promises God?" I'm sure God's people said during the silence.
"But what about your plan for his life, Lord?" I'm sure Mary had to have said to God as she raised her son and saw no miracles, saw how human Jesus was.
If I had not had that dream, gotten the phone call the same day and then read scripture after scripture over the past three weeks, where God has made it very clear to me that He is God, He can be trusted, He still does big things, we are to wait on Him, keep asking Him, keep expecting Him to do something...I could easily let go.
I want to let go!
Everything in me wants to let go!
But, I'm so afraid to let go. It's the strangest thing.
Right now, as far as we know, the babies are still in the hospital.
Right now, as far as we know, the babies have no family.
It's getting harder for me to trust the Lord.
I sat and cried to Aaron this morning, not because the babies aren't here, but because I'm terrified that I don't know how to hear the voice of the Lord. "Do I even recognize His voice? Does He speak to me?" There's nothing more scary to ask...to think through.
"If God wasn't moving in this situation, through that dream, through that phone call, through prayer and fasting...then do I even know how to recognize when He is at work?"
"Does He really speak to me? Does His Word really speak to me?"
I confessed to Aaron that I am afraid.
I'm afraid, that if God doesn't do something...something I feel He has led me to believe He is going to do...then I'm afraid of what that will make me think...will I be able to EVER think God is speaking to me, or involving me in what He's busy doing? I'm more afraid right now and troubled by the fact that I don't know how to listen to God than I am that He hasn't added children to our home.
Maybe God does want me to step out in faith, having heard Him speak to me through a dream, confirmed by a phone call and His Word...and say..."I believe those girls are supposed to end up in our home. In the dream, we were chosen. And then, we got a phone call that day. Sure, we can all pray that "God's will be done." That's nice and safe. No one goes home a loser. But, if I am honest...I think He told us we were chosen to bring babies home."
God keeps telling me, through His Word to wait on Him...He's about to do something.
I got up from crying, in prayer with my boys this morning and this email was sitting in my inbox...an email from someone who has never emailed me about what is going on with the twins...
Hey & good morning!
I just wanted you to know that I have been praying for you guys. Let me know if there is anything that I can pray for YOU specifically.
Psalm 33:4 “For the word of the LORD holds true, and we can trust everything he does.”
So...wow...that's where I stand right now.
I'm trying to be genuine in how I feel. I don't want to hide my feelings from people. So many have asked how I'm doing.
I want to believe that God spoke to me...that this is not over...that those girls are coming here.
I even think that's what God wants me to believe.
I just wish I could! I have confessed to Him through many tears today that it seems impossible to have that much faith.
And yet, after boo-hooing to Aaron today about this...when I was done...
He was just sitting there...smiling at me.
That's not what I expected.
I was sitting there telling Aaron..."It's not that if God doesn't come through, I'm going to question His existence...if He doesn't come through though...I'm terrified I will at least doubt His ability to speak to me about anything in my life."
That's a big deal! I was shaking and crying even admitting it to Aaron...
And yet...Aaron said...
"Heather just hearing everything you just said makes me know God is in this! I am sitting here, so encouraged."
I couldn't believe him. "Encouraged? I'm sitting here crying, telling you I'm afraid I'm going to have huge issues with God after this is over and you're encouraged?"
"Yes. We can't give up. This is not over yet. I don't want you working through the aftermath of God not showing up, when this isn't even over yet. The problem here is more about impatience than any of those other things. This is NOT over yet!"
I wish I could leave this post by saying..."I am convinced God is going to bring those girls to our house...but I can't.
I can say...He has sure set this up where it looks like that's what He wants to do...and even what He wants me to believe...
So some of you can pray I will.
The rest of you can think I'm crazy.