Thursday, November 15, 2007

Roaches are the Devil's Pets

Sabbatical post #5

By tomorrow night, this Christmas thing
will be edited and ready to print.
Can I get a huge, "Yee-Haw?"

This was from a post where I was tagged.

Even after rereading it, I can't believe the emotional trauma this wretched beast put me through.

I'm still not over it!

5. I hate roaches. About two years ago, I was asleep in my bed. I felt something on my arm. I shook my arm. I heard a solid “thud” when that "thing" landed near me. I came out of my drowsy state and immediately began punching Aaron, shrieking… “Turn on the light. I think something was on me. I think something was on me.” He turned on the light. We saw nothing.

I convulsed, shaking my head just thinking about a roach being on me. My convulsing knocked a HUGE black roach out of my HAIR. It landed on our bed and ran across our white sheets. It was 3 a.m. I SCREAMED uncontrollably, knowing full well I was going to wake the kids, but I was completely powerless to stop the screaming.

I RAN down the hall to the bathroom. I stood there crying…heaving.

I could hear Aaron making all sorts of noise in our bedroom hunting down and killing the insect from hell. I heard him go to the other bathroom and flush. He opened up the door to the bathroom where I was to find his wife BAWLING, NAKED, standing in the bathtub. He immediately shut the door and stood in the hall, trying to compose himself. He opened up the door, with sort of a straight face and said, “Are you ok?” I don’t know why I had to take my clothes off. I could NOT stop crying. I really was terrified. And I felt like I had been violated. I threw my pajamas in the trash. I would never wear them again.

We went into the living room. I tried to sit on the couch. I could not. I had to stand. I was afraid a roach would get on me. I STOOD in the middle of the living room floor and watched two episodes of Fresh Prince of Bellaire. The whole time Aaron kept begging me to come back to bed, or to at least sit down. He kept telling me that we don’t normally have roaches in our house, and so my fear of another roach getting on me was nuts. But what if they were having a family reunion? What if it was woodstock for roaches week?

Eventually, I went back to our bedroom. We turned off the light. Not even a minute later, I told Aaron I couldn’t sleep in the dark...ever again. We turned back on the light. About 30 minutes later, I woke Aaron back up and asked him to move our bed into the center of the room. He did. Then, I got up, got a blanket and wrapped myself up like a human burrito. Only my nose and mouth were showing. I felt Muslim. I also felt very sweaty. Even though I was drenched in sweat underneath the blanket, I could not sleep with out it. We woke up in the morning, with our light on, our bed in the middle of the room, with Muslim me lying in the MIDDLE of our bed horizontally. It was the worst night of my life.

The next morning was a Saturday. I started calling my pest control man, who I already had a great relationship with due to my insanity about anything creepy crawly. I left a message. I called every hour on the hour. Every time I would say, “Darwin…it’s Heather. I REALLY need you to call me…today…please.” By 2 p.m. this is the message I left…

“Darwin…ok…here’s the deal. A ROACH got on me. On my skin. It touched my skin. While I was sleeping. (I think I started crying again at this point in the message). Please. You have to come over here. Please. If you don’t come today, I am going to have to go sleep at the Marriot. Please. (my voice got squeaky here). Call me Darwin.” He called an hour later.

He said my messages had been played over and over again by several different employees…that this was the best Saturday of their lives. He was out of town, so they couldn’t reach him. He came over that day, with several other people. They sprayed the whole house again…and even crawled under our house and dusted with something so strong that I could not even let the kids play outside for 48 hours. I’ve never been more thankful for toxins in my whole life.

The next few nights I still could not sleep. What if the dust didn’t work? Over a week later, I was so exhausted from barely sleeping. I asked Aaron this very difficult question:

“Do you think our kids will look back at their life at home and think it is more weird that their mom slept with her light on wearing one of those cool movie star eye covers, or would they think it was more weird that I slept in a tent on our bed...but in the dark?"

He just stared at me.

I went with the tent.

They could play with it during the day…I could sleep in it at night. They wouldn’t think that was weird. They would think I was cool.

The tent was the only solution.

I researched the roach online.

They come out during the day too, so sleeping with the light on wearing a cool movie star eye cover would not work.

During all those nights I wasn’t sleeping, I brainstormed every possible way to keep a roach from ever getting on me again. Caulking our whole bedroom? Moving my whole family to a daytime sleeping schedule? Laser sensors? Levitating in my sleep? None of those would work. I either did not know how to do those things, or a roach could come from the ceiling and fall on me. It brought me to tears just thinking of how defeated I was by a devil insect that isn't always nocturnal.

The tent was a brilliant idea.

I could inspect it for roaches before bedtime every night. Then, I could climb in, zip it up…and there you go…no way no how could a roach get on me.

Pure genius.

And, since we were pitching the tent on our bed, it would be comfy.

And, since I would never in a million years ever camp in a tent in real life…like outside somewhere, this could be a great compromise.

There is no better description of a win, win situation in my opinion.

That night, I got in the tent, zipped myself up, so relieved to at least get one good night’s sleep. Aaron refused to participate. He slept on the couch.

Well, for half the night he slept on the couch. I went and got him at 3 a.m. because I was AGAIN drenched in sweat from sleeping in the tent. It seems it gets hot in tents if there isn’t any wind. And, since tents really aren’t meant for indoor sleeping, my fail proof plan was FAILING.

Then we moved a month later to a new house...for a bunch of reasons, none of them being the roach. joke…

When we called Darwin to say we up and moved, he said, “Was this because of the roach on Heather?”

That poor man!


alisha said...

yea on the script!!

Landreneau Family said...


See, He always shows up!!

Kathryn, Michael & Alex said...

This is by far one of my favorite posts ever...probably because I feel the exact same way about anything that crawls...I did almost the same thing at work, I opened a folder and a little lizzard fell out.
I jumped up and started screaming and dancing in front of all of my co-workers. Fortunately I did not take my clothes off!!!!

Yee Haw on the Christmas play...I can't wait.

Carrie said...

That's a great story! You make me laugh.

Stephen said...

Hey Heather,
they make mosquito nets/tents for beds, I know because we needed them really badly in Fiji...
you don't want to know the insects we saw there crawling on the ground level with our heads.
anyways, they are cooler(temperature wise) than a tent.
Emily hates those things (roaches) like crazy.

Anonymous said...

Roaches aren't so bad. What I hate is when I stung by a scorpian while I'm in bed (twice, so far).
But I'm almost certain you won't get stung by a scorpian. In bed. While you're asleep. So try not to think about, 'kay?

Brian Bricker

Hendrick Family said...


Hi. My name is Alanna. said...

YEE-HAW!!! on the script. This'll be my first Christmas at LH, so I'm looking forward to it!

I have to read this story to my husband. He's gonna think you're my long lost sister or something. That has to be one of the most hilarious and most realistic stories I've ever read.

And seriously, of course, you have to shed every ounce of clothing you have on... How could you not? And you probably don't remember a single thing on either one of those episodes you STOOD UP watching at 2 a.m. How could you?

I like the tent idea. I'll have to remember that one.

The Vann's said...

This post was hilarious. I was laughing the whole time - partly because I feel the same way about those horrible creatures! It also reminded me of one of my first mornings in the dorms at HBU when I first started college - I was brushing my teeth in the sink and as I leaned down to spit - at that exact moment a HUGE roach came OUT of the little holes you know at the front of the inside of the sink and jumped on me. I screamed so loud I woke my roomate up. I didn't even finsih getting ready. I grabed my purse and left to go to my Dr. appointment in my pj's and told my roomate there was a roach in our room screaming on the way out! It was terrible and I am forever scarred by this tragic event. I loved your story!


Dana said...

I hate insects too! When I lived in Florida, there were always Palmetto bugs(aka giant roaches) in the apartment. Roach spray was useless.

This whole post gives me the willies....

Alta Peng said...

Roaches could leave you scarred for life! Haha! Sorry for the trauma the little pest have put you through. These pests are not only sickening to look at, they could totally harm your health by being around. – Alta @ Liberty Pest