Thursday, October 18, 2007

Why do smokers get to have all the fun?

Everyone in the whole wide world should go to the Ross King concert!


I used to fantasize about being a smoker.

I know why.

Grease 2

Michele Phfiefer

Smoking

Singing cool rider...

How could anyone NOT want to smoke after watching that INCREDIBLE movie 98,000 times?

She is also why, to this day, I still HAVE to dip my hamburger in ketchup while I eat it.

I remember the first time I smoked.

I was in first grade.

No joke.

My neighbor's parents were FIENDS.

My neighbor friend, Angela, and I snuck in the bathroom and smoked our first grade hearts out.

Then we forgot to flush the butts down the toilet.

We got caught.

Another time...

I was with Aaron and this Russian exchange student who was living at Aaron's house.

The Russian begged me to smoke.

I had withstood American peer pressure...but the Russian kind was harder to resist.

His peer pressure was in Russian...and I'm not bilingual.

He was one tricky Russian boy.

I stood outside on the carport and tried to be cool.

Smoking.

Then I decided I'd had enough.

But when I started talking...smoke was still coming out of my mouth.

I started exhaling heavy...trying to shove all the air out of my lungs.

Then, I got so nervous.

The smoke was stuck inside me!

I began to freak out, thinking Aaron's parents were going to walk out any minute and catch me with smoke coming out of my throat.

They would never believe I was half dragon.

"It won't stop coming out! I have smoke stuck in my mouth!!!" I screamed.

That's when Aaron looked at me and calmly said, "It's cold outside. That's what your breath always does in the cold. That's what everyone's breath does in the cold."

"Oh....yeah." I said.

He kind of just stared at me, shook his head, and then a few years later, he still married me...so who's the dumb one?

Lynsey and I were talking about smoking last night.

Do people still get smoke breaks?

We think they do.

If so...

Is it because they are addicted to smoking?

They get smoke breaks so they can smoke, because if they don't smoke, they go nuts?

If that's why people get smoke breaks...

Then if I ever got a real-life, leave my house, get dressed job...

Do you think they would let me take an email break?

Because my need to check my email hourly is probably just as intense as needing a cigarette fix.

Really.

If it's been more than an hour since I've pushed send&receive...I get a little shaky...and a tad bit irritable.

So I don't see how smoking/email checking could be different.

If my boss wouldn't let me have an email break, I'll just be real honest here...I would probably start smoking.

And I would take my laptop outside with me.

Then I could check my email.

And smoke at the same time.

Surely there are no company rules against multitasking on a smoke break.

That would be silly.

As long as you're smoking, would it matter what else you were doing during that 15 minutes?

Smoking and knitting?

Smoking and checking blogs?

Smoking and napping?

Smoking and straight ironing your hair?

Which means...if you work, and your boss gives smoking breaks...you are silly not to smoke.

If I had an "outside" job, I would smoke for sure...except, I would smoke gum. Remember those gum cigarettes? Surely, if your boss gives smoke breaks, they can't regulate the kind of cigarettes you smoke. So what if you like to smoke gum? Some people like the ones with the camel. Some people like the ones that are in the green box. I would like the gum ones. What's wrong with that?

11 comments:

alisha said...

i have never in my life desired to smoke, why? Because Mom took DARE to a whole other level. She threatened to make us eat a whole pack of them if she ever caught us lighting up...and me-the picky eatter, believed every word and knew that cigrettes probably didnt taste yummy, so i wasn't gonna chance it, because she ALWAYS knew becuase she had super mommy powers.

Hendrick Family said...

I feel you, Alisha.

I don't think I would have smoked as a married person while I WORKED with your mom.

She can be scary.

But I think our church would fall over with out her.

And I know for sure Aaron would.

Heather

Lindsay said...

I can't stop laughing about your Grease 2 comments. I used to ride my bike, singing cool rider, complete with a candy cigarette hanging from my mouth. And, I used to hate Ketchup on my burgers...until that movie...then I had to try it and still do it to this day and think often of that scene in the movie. Ha!

Hendrick Family said...

Ha!! Lindsay!

Grease 2 rules. I own it and still watch it from time to time. I still know every single word of every single song.

My love for Michele Pfiefer is unconditional.

I will love her till the day I die.

Heather

brickmomma said...

i was looking for the funny caption......where art thou?

i only tried smoking a few times and i fell down from coughing so hard...couldn't inhale. and that's the honest truth.

Leslie Moore said...

My supervisor at work smokes and therefore takes two 15-min smoke breaks every day. It seems like the busiest and most demanding part of the day occurs during those two 15 min intervals...but it's all good....sometimes, when it is calm during her smoke breaks, I do take email breaks....never for the full 15 minutes....but I always make sure I check to see if you've written a new blog entry!

I've never tried cigarettes, but I have smoked a cigar or two...but I wasn't brave enough to actually inhale smoke into my lungs...it was more of a smoke-fills-my-mouth-and-then-I-quickly-blow-it-out sort of thing.

Landreneau Family said...

There it is...the reason you and Claire Borne have that deep, soul connection...

The love for Grease 2.

I remember the year she got it for Christmas; we laid on my parents bed to watch it.

I was MORTIFIED that she knew every single word to "Reproduction" at the age of eleven.

Still, it is a fun movie. And I've never smoked nor had the desire too. It makes me want to hurl.

Aimee

Kari said...

Did you know that they still make the candy cigarettes! Yep, found them just last Saturday! I was forbidden to play with them, eat them, etc.. because for sure I would end up wanting to smoke! Whatever!!!!
So what did I do when I was 6 in first grade! I remember wanting to look cool, so I would find buds along the gutter and actually place them in my mouth and pretend to smoke them.
Now I ask you as a mother, etc... which would be better, pretend smoking with candy ciggies, or putting USED, NASTY, saliva ridden buds of real ciggies in your child's mouth!!!! Seriously!!!
I guess the only thing that makes me think about smoking is, it may help me shed some pounds! HA! But really, I will never smoke!

C. Witt said...

Heather, I found your blog through the friend of a friend...I LOVE IT! Your writing makes me laugh and I love the way you tell stories and talk about your family. You have recruited one more dedicated reader ;)

--Cheryl

Hendrick Family said...

Nice to meet you, Cheryl!

Anna said...

this is perfect. honestly, i am SO addicted to checking my e-mail (and myspace...sadly) that if i cannot push send/recieve at least every 30 min or so, i will truly get the shakes and possibly have a melt down. *of course i am not completely sure about the melt down part b/c i have not allowed myself to get that far.* hmmmm. i think i will grab some gum cigaretts at the store today and join the rest of the smoking world....

honestly...brilliant!