Minutes ago, I walked into the bathroom to be greeted by a foul smell.
I screamed, "What DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEd in here?"
That one phrased, yelled in dramatic fashion ALWAYS makes giggles erupt from every boy-filled crevice in this house.
"It was me!" Hayden said PROUDLY...laughing all the way to the bathroom...seeing me standing in there waving my hand acting like I'm dieing makes their day.
Boys and their behinds.
As if that wasn't bad enough...
Hayden holds his hand up and it looks like this:
Then the most awful words came out of his mouth... "And...guess what mom, I wiped my boody with my hand!" He was so excited.
I just stood there. My mouth wide open...not believing my eyes.
Dear Jesus...take hold of me.
This is so normal with Hayden. He is my only child that does such odd, horrible things that I assume this stance regularly...I just stand looking at him, in SHOCK, trying to figure out where to even begin.
What am I supposed to do right now?
I've never told Hayden not to wipe his rear with his palm.
Should I have to say that?
Should I REALLY have to say that?
How can I be expected to think of all these things?
I had no words.
All the parenting books I had ever read were FAILING me as always when it comes to this child. I've often times wanted to mail Hayden to James Dobson or Tedd Tripp with a little note attached to his shirt that says, "You can have him for one week. After that, you'll have plenty to write about for the rest of your life and you'll change your book titles to The Strong Willed Child (excluding Hayden), Shepherding a Child's Heart (no guarantees if you are parenting Hayden) and Bringing up Boys (subtitled, I'm terribly sorry Mrs. Hendrick, I can't help you with Hayden)."
My eyes watered up. I started moving towards him, to grab that hand and then after that...well I couldn't even think that far...
That's when this little lunatic starts laughing so hard and says...."It's just marker mom...I tricked you."
I was totally punked!
I screamed with delight...HAYDEN HENDRICK!!!
He matched my squeals with "I tricked you mom, I tricked you!"
Then I laughed and laughed...he fell on the floor laughing....
While I was washing the MARKER off his hand I thought of how genius this was...
Just when I want to pull my hair out because the kid can't remember that roots grow in SOIL...even though I've had him repeat it 9,000 times...I get to see that he really is brilliant!
His gift is humor...
And he uses it well.
Five years old and pulling elaborate pranks on his mother...
Will I survive?