Monday, August 27, 2007

On Pooping at Your Friend's House


Well, everyone does.

And I think the more we hang out with each other the more we need to be reminded of this.

I believe my husband has always lead out in this area.

When he needs to go.

He just does.

And he announces it to the room.

He has even been known to answer his cell phone when he's doing that thing he does.

Our church secretary will call...Aaron says, "Word" or something else weird...

Then she will ask, "What are you doing?"

Never ask Aaron that question when you call him.

He replies to her...

"Takin' a dump."

Yep.

Then Dianna screams and hangs up on him.

Then Aaron laughs.

This is the man that strangers say "intimidates them."

Seriously.

You know you have really been initiated into the Hendrick household if you have:

a. wiped Ashton's hiney.

b. been brought into the bathroom, by a cute little boy to show you his floating poop family, or to see that his poop is half green and half red.

I know this is a hard thing to talk about...but we must. I can feel you cringing...I'm cringing...

This is a delicate subject. It's something we all do, but never talk about...unless you're Aaron...or my brother.

But when you start having people at your house a bunch...the matter of pooing will need to be addressed.

I desperately wish there were some sort of handbook for this...or field guide.

I've been known to cut out of an event early because I feel the need to "go." I rush around, gathering our things, snap at the kids...and when we get in the car, Aaron says, "What's wrong with you...are you mad?"

I say..."No. I've got to poop."

I've been at people's house's and could tell that the husband was trying to rush us out of their home...because he needed to "go."

Please...men are SO easy to read.

I have three little boys...the signs for men are NO different.

They get sweaty, bouncy, talk in short bursts and become overly helpful.

At our house, we've designated the upstairs bathroom as the poo place. Just go! It's far away from civilization, fully loaded with Febreeze and toilet paper...and Aaron keeps his favorite reading material in there.

Febreeze...I love that stuff. Have you tried the kind that smells like fabric softener? What a great idea! Now you can go...spray and then if someone walks in, they just think our bathroom is full of fabulous smelling towels. Every time someone drops a doozy and sprays...I instantly become a laundry diva!

I'm thinking though that we need a new phrase...

New ways of saying we need to "go" without being as brave and daring as Aaron.

I would never announce to a large group of people that I need to "drop a load."

Turning into a transparent poop announcer will be a process like anything else in life.

We can't all expect to arrive at that coveted location overnight.

I was thinking we could all say, "I need to go apply Judges 3:24 to my life right now."

And then head upstairs.

We need some hospitable lingo for this bathroom reality.

No more awkward, "Where is so and so" and everyone knows where so and so is but doesn't want to make a big deal about it.

No more cutting out early only to make your wife pull over so you can poo at an Exxon instead of at your friend's house.

Let's be more like our kids...they just announce their bowel issues to everyone at Target.

They don't care...

Because they know...

Everyone poops.

19 comments:

Hendrick Family said...

Another really great one could be...

"I'm going to go check out the Mosier's apartment."

That could be fun!

Heather

D.O. said...

farting, too, should be an acceptable thing to talk about and occasionally do, I'd like to add.

Hendrick Family said...

No way! Not in mixed company.

I guess I am not walking in as much freedom in this area. I still like some rules for this subject.

Talking about it...I could maybe tolerate...but only if you used the word tooting.

Ew!

Heather

Anonymous said...

Uuuuhhhhhh.......you mean girls do this too? I had no idea. Girls aren't suppose to be smelly. Somebody please tell me that this isn't true!

Eddie J

The Kramer Family said...

Well, as you know and have mentioned, Jason has no shame when it comes to pooping in public.

He uses the phrase,"I need to go see a man about a horse." That is the code phrase!

However, there is usually no mystery as to what he is doing because is running towards the toilet like an elderly with the "If you get in my way, I will poop right here" look on his face.

I love my husband! There is never a dull moment. He has much freedom in this area.

I, on the other hand, am a different story. I fear that something will go wrong.

Like....

-What if the toilet doesn't flush?

-What if it flushes and gets clogged? I'm a victim and perhaps scarred from this very thing.

-What if there isn't any toilet paper and you realize after you go?

-What if there isn't any spray?

-What if someone knocks on the door while your in 'the act' and you have to say "Just a minute" or "I'm in here" or "Beavers and ducks"? What do you even say?

As you can see, I have put much thought into this whole subject matter.

I have been known to give all of the toilets in a my house a 'practice flush' before company arrives just to make sure everything is in working condition (i.e. enough tp to wrap 4 houses, lovely scented STRONG spray because some just doesn't cut it, locks work properly....the whole nine). All of this is done to alleviate any awkward moments.

Just practicing hospitality!

Anthony and Sharon said...

(If this is my like 3rd comment, do I have to still declare myself a blog stalker before I comment? Just wondering)

This one made me laugh... and my hubby still asks if it's really just roses that comes out of me bc he still can't believe that girls do this...also, why is there an apple on the front of the book... do apples poop?
I've heard lots of fun ways of saying this...but I heard a new one (from my parents after they took a trip with college students from their church last weekend)

"The Browns are going to the Superbowl"

Can you say like, "I'm rootin' for the Browns"

or

"Are the Browns on the TV upstairs Heather? I'll go check..."

~Sharon

King Family said...

I love how our "intimidating" husbands both do cell phone business on the toilet and even flush knowing the other person can probably hear it. How sweet and lovely. Yeah for freedom! Ross will love this post.

the amy's said...

ok this blog has officially gone down the toilet.

What ever happened to just doing your business and not sharing your assembly line experience.

I do recall on several occassions, when wade and i were dating, going to "get a dr. pepper" at the corner Exxon. Now we stand there and talk to each other while doing the deed.

I think 1 Cor. 13 ought to include a clause about love smells no evil, and it certainly is included in enduring all things.

Wade is now in the porta potty business, so not much suprises him anymore. They are #1 in the #2 business.

theBirkenfelds said...

I agree with the Amys that this whole scenario takes a huge turn when rings go on the fingers.

I mean, before our wedding, my beautiful wife used to always stick to her guns that she never relieved herself of anything solid. If she went to the restroom while I was over and I asked her what she did, it was always "Just had to pee.."

But now, her usual quip is much different and comes at the craziest of times.

Mid-kiss..."I've got to poop!"

While folding clothes..."I've got to poop!"

She announces her bowel movements more than myself and last night even said, "Do you smell that??" After nodding my recognition of the odor, she said, "That was my fart. I told you I needed to poop!"

But I and my inital forwardness are to blame -- after arriving at our romantic bungalow in Costa Rica on the first day of our honeymoon, I "checked out the Mosier's apartment" in a Guiness World Book of Records way. No lie, had my wife obliged to be my witness, my name would be etched in history. But of course she was utterly repulsed that I asked such a thing, our first mini-argument ensued, and all that's left of that moment is a "record-literally-down the drain" and these common words in the Birkenfeld house...

"I've got to poop!"

If I just took this comment page too far with the above story, I apologize -- blame Heather for calling for transparency!!

k.rutledge said...

I never noticed this before, but that boy on the book cover looks like he's in the midst of the poop of a lifetime.


I'm poking like a turtle. There...I said it.

Great topic! Great post!

Kirby said...

haha...Brock just made me laugh!

I have a poop story or two...I am very regular andproud of it...and Charlie is jealous of my regularity..I "go" after almost every meal..at least 2-3 times a day...I have pooped "Sat a Spell" at the Hendricks plenty of times, peed all over the Garratt's kitchen chair a couple times (Mike cleaned it up since he made me) and definitely wiped Ashton's hiney a few times, too.

Hendrick Family said...

Well the Mosiers stopped by tonight and we heard some more great poop talk.

1. We love Megan and love knowing her even more now.

2. Aaron admitted to playing Sudoku on his phone while he goes. And...he admitted that he will practically poo in his pants, madly running around the house trying to find the book he's reading before going.

3. In college, Matt was known to call Erin while he was going. She would answer the phone, HEAR the bathroom fan running and say, "MATT!!! Call me back some other time."

4. I realized how thankful I am that my cell phone stays in my purse...or lost...but never in my pocket. I never have the temptation to answer my phone on the potty.

5. Erin does not like Matt to really even talk to her while he's going now that they are married. He tries to talk to her through the door...or even opens it...but she doesn't talk to him.

6. I seriously can not believe we are all talking about this.

Teach us to be community, Jesus.

Teach us to be community.

One part suffers.

All parts suffer together!!

Allen Duty said...

I understand that folks in the ancient middle-east used to refer to pooping as "covering one's feet." Because you pull your pants down when you sit and they cover your feet, this is both a humorous and practical way of saying that you need to poop.

With that said, I will never, ever be comfortable pooping anywhere at any time. If I was the only person on earth I would be embarrassed when I poop. I try to do it as quickly as I can each time and as few times as possible throughout the week.

If you think I'm kidding, I don't even like my wife to be in an adjoining room when I'm going, and don't allow her in the bathroom for 10-15 minutes afterwards.

I just hate poop. I'm ready to hear all kinds of things from you people about how "ridiculous" and "impractical" this is, but I'm telling you right now - until the day I die, this will never change about me. But understand I've come a long way in even being able to type something like this.

I hate pooping.

Hendrick Family said...

Allen Duty!

I about fainted when I saw your name on here...

And not just because you're reading something online that's not related to sports....

But because this post is about poop...something I thought you would not even READ...much less finish reading...much less COMMENT!

Revival or something must be going on in your soul...this is a huge thing!

Allen...the day you poop at our house...we will all hug you and weep.

We love you...and we're going to love you through your poop weirdness.

Besides...your last name is DUTY. You should stop running from this and embrace it. Just think...with Duty as your last name...and if you morphed into "I talk about pooing" man...it would be a beautiful thing!

Heather

Hendrick Family said...

I bet my brother would like his last name to be Duty.

Aaron would change his to Aaron Poopmister...

Kinnard Family said...

OK, so I am not sure which is more embarrassing, what I am saying, or the fact that this comment proves that for some reason today I decided to read this. (I am normally sort-of anti-blog, in general) So, I am really slipping here.

I laughed out loud several times reading this and the comments.

Allen and I are kindred spirits on our public approach to this formerly private matter, with an exception. I do not personally hate pooping - quite the opposite. I just hate for anyone to share it with me. And why would anyone want to?!

If there is any experience that is for just me, it is that. In fact, only my two children have ever infiltrated the inner sanctum. Nope - not even Ashley.

I have a few notable "shaping influences" (apologies to Tedd Tripp) that have brought me to my current position. From my grade school friend's older sisters (who I thought were so cool) publicly mocking me for destroying their bathroom, to my own sisters doing similarly, it was clear early on that no one else needed share that experience with me.
I remember abstaining for almost a whole week during a summer camp when I was a kid, b/c the stalls were so impersonal.
The worst by far, though was when I was in high school and I woke up at about 2 AM with a serious stomach ache. I went and "covered my feet" and while I was washing my hands, the toilet overflowed, sending remnants all over the bathroom, and me jumping through it to get to the water valve to shut it off. Then I am sitting there looking at a bunch of floaties in 2 inches of water all over the floor! So, I got the dustpan and started scooping. My mom woke up and came in wondering what was up, and I couldn't get her out of there fast enough, "It's fine! I got! Go back to bed." It was never discussed after that.

Then there's my first dorm...Law Hall, (may she rest in peace). The restrooms had 2 showers and two toilets - no stalls and no shower curtains. When you opened the door (which had no lock) you were looking directly at the first toilet, 2 feet away. I never understood how whoever designed this building thought that 2 males would choose to come poop or shower side by side. Anyway, I remember the ordeal of having to do that balancing act, you know, sitting with one foot out-stretched and a toe on the door, hoping no one would forget the rule of "knock first, and listen before opening". Then there was the territory cough that was employed when someone could be heard outside the door - especially if they had a girl with them. Geez, my whole first semester was spent trying to figure out a schedule of when I could go the bathroom, and try to shower and do my business at the same time. No wonder my grades weren't very good that semester. That gives new meaning to the term anal retentive.

And finally, there was the time early in our marriage, when on a long trip home, we stopped at a Taco Bell. (the last time ever) Shortly thereafter, the labor pains began, while still at least 2 and a half hours from home. Every 10 minutes or so the contractions would come and I was sweating and miserable, and Ashley was pleading with me to stop somewhere. My resolve was thoe only thing tougher than the pain in my gut though. I was detrmined to make it home without experiencing the mutual contamination of the public restroom. When I finally made it home, I ...uh...ran? sort of, to the aparment, for a unique worship experience in our bathroom.

That's it. Glad to have "passed" that info on to everyone.

Hendrick Family said...

I'm almost positive that Jason is someone's HOPE Group leader.

If this is not setting the standard for transparency... I do not know what is, my friends.

I want you and Allen to know that although Aaron talks a big talk in the poo department...he is like you in one way...

He will NOT allow anyone to be physically present in the bathroom when he's going.

NEVER.

He will talk to people on the phone...but that's it.

Moms don't get this...at home, when you have to go it is MANDATORY that you take a toddler in the bathroom with you.

Or here...I'll really be honest...

Usually moms can't even shut the door during the day.

There is NOTHING more upsetting to Aaron than when he's home...needs to go do his thing...I'm in the middle of supper or something and say, "Will you please take so-and-so in there with you?"

He barely can stand me when I do that to him.

He looks at me with angry eyes.

I then suggest that instead of reading a book about what happens to dead bodies...he take Goodnight Moon in there with him instead.

He sighs loudly and takes a child with him.

He hasn't had to do that in a couple years...but when the new baby gets here, he can look forward to that again.

the Apels said...

Well I must admit that I straddle the fence on both sides of the pooping issue. I am very OCD when it comes to the pooping issue. I will definately only poop in my own house and under extreme circumstances in other public places or peoples' houses. It takes me weeks to feel comfortable pooping at work...and when I finally have that moment of "I'm not going to make it home for this one" I use that same stall everytime. And when I'm there or in anyother public 'cool room' I will not make a sound while someone else is in there. Yeah, it's as if girls are walking in and out or the guy next to me isn't crankin 'em. But once I hear the last door shut and the number 'in' equals the number 'out' I'm off!!

Yet I will have to admit, on the other side of this 'hot' issue, I have no problem whatsoever answering the phone or working on my laptop while dropping a hot one in the cool room. There are very few people that I have not talked to while 'seeking privacy'. I mean I worked from home for a year and a half...I was very used to those facilities.

Another little anecdote that my precious wife Kirby failed to mention: the reason for buying a house with 1 1/2 baths. For one, having to wait to poop stinks. Two, I didn't mention this earlier, but one of my other hang-ups is pooping on a warm seat. Porcelain is supposed to be frigid!! But three, and this is the only reason, is that Kirby once threatened me in our 800 SF apartment that if i did not get up and let her poop, that she would poop in our trash can. I was pretty comfy and challenged her to prove it--WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE! There is a reason for all that blue in the Port-O-Pots. For even the littlest amount of water in our toilets. I barely got the trash bag to the dumpster.

Charlie

Hendrick Family said...

Nu-uh!!!

KIRBY!!!

That was such a great, comment Charlie...

I'm debating about whether or not I should just cut and paste it into a new post and post just your comment on the blog today.

Hmmmm....