Saturday, June 23, 2007

This Man Eats Maggots

Alrighty.

It's time to talk about this fella.

Oh yep.

Have you seen this show?

Man vs. Wild?

If not, here's what happens:

This man, Bear Grylls jumps out of a helicopter and lands in the middle of nowhere.

He has to get back to safety using only a few survival tools.

Usually those few survival tools consist of a flint and a water canteen.

I have seen this man smack a live fish with a piece of wood, hold up that fish and say, "This will make a tasty meal."

"That's nice," I think. It will. Fish is good. It's low in cholesterol. I'm glad this dirty man is going to get to eat.

But then he says, "Making a fire will be too much trouble, so I'm just going to eat it raw...right here...in front of you."

And then he does.

And then I gag.

Too much trouble to make a fire?

Too much TROUBLE?

It's more trouble to make a fire than to eat a fish RAW?

I would need a million years to wrap my brain around that logic.

Holding the stunned, flopping fish he says, like it's no big deal..."You take one big bite, then stick your hand in the hole, and rip all it's guts right out."

No. No you don't.

No. I want him to stop that.

My family begs me to watch this show with them.

At a rate of about three times per show this happens in our living room:

Bear does something so nasty that my boys start DANCING around the room, high-fiving each other, beating their chests, so proud of their hero and that they have the same boy parts that he has.

I on the other hand almost vomit into the cushions on the couch.

Here are some highlights of his shows that have sent me running out of the room or made me start beating the couch saying, "No! No! No! God please, No!"

He held up a cute little tree frog and said, "There are no poisonous tree frogs in the swamps of Louisiana."

"That's nice, I think."

And then he ate the frog.

And then Bear called that frog, "protein."

No. That was a frog, fool.

It was alive.

If that wasn't bad enough, he said, "You have to kill it on the first bite, or it wiggles all the way down your throat."

I almost gagged when I typed that.

Really.

I've seen him walk up to a dead animal and:

A. shew away the vultures and then start EATING the raw meat right off the bone. I'm not making this up. It was a zebra. And Bear almost threw up. I was practically crying, it was so traumatic.

B. talk about how the meat is too old and so he can't eat it or he would get a disease or something..."Whew!" I think..."I'm so glad he's not going to eat that, because that would be disgusting." But wait...hold the flint...that's when he starts eating the maggots.

The maggots.

He ate them.

Maggots.

I can't get over it.

I've seen this man pee on his shirt while saying, "Man my pee is stinky because I'm so dehydrated." "Gross," I thought. But not gross enough, obviously, because then he took that stinky pee shirt and WRAPPED IT AROUND HIS HEAD.

He wrapped his head with pee.

Stinky pee.

And the shirt was wrapped around his mouth.

Pee.

On his mouth.

And then he talked about how great it felt.

That's when I think, "I want to punch this man." I want to hit him with a stick, while sobbing and screaming, "Stop it! Just stop this! Please, I need you to stop doing these things!"


I've seen him eat LIVE snakes.

And then last night, I almost DIED when he ate a sheep's eye.

I had to type that sentence with my eyes SHUT, and now I am straining very hard to keep from looking up at the above sentence with said eye nasty in it.

I'm sure the point of this show is to do more than just make three little boys, their dad, and sometimes Ryan, raise their hands and cheer when Bear does something so repulsive, you want to pretend it's a stunt...a magic trick, or an illusion.

I'm sure the point is to teach the audience how to survive if they were ever stranded in some far away, harsh environment.

But this show has not done that for me. Not at all. Instead, while watching it, I have actually said, out loud, unashamedly, "I hate nature."

It's true. God made it, but Bear makes me hate it. When I see all those mountains, and the snow and him eating maggots, it makes me glad to be on my couch; with my blanket; holding my Sonic cup full of clean, non-buggy water; in my house; in the city.

He has not made me excited about survival. My boys love it. They talk about Bear Grylls like he's a super hero. They would wear, WWBD bracelets. They make lean-to forts called, "shelters" in the back yard, in their bed room, and in the school room. If they are hungry and we're out running errands, they will talk FOREVER in the back seat about all the nasty things they could eat that they see on the side of the road, or in the floor at Target. I've heard Hayden say, "Man Versus Wild Man would eat this." I can say, "Put that down" without even looking back to see what he has. I know it's gross without turning around.

Before watching this show regularly, if you would have asked me if I would survive in the wilderness I would have given you an unsure, "I don't know. Probably."

Not anymore. Instead of honing my survival skills, he has taught me that if stranded in the middle of nowhere, I would do one thing:


DIE

I would die.

No question about it.

First I would cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And if a bug even touched me, much less got into my mouth, that would be the end of me.

If someone said, "Now make a fire, with no matches or lighter," I would laugh so hard, I would pee on MY shirt, but not on purpose, and I would certainly NOT wrap my head with it.

No. I would cry that my shirt had pee on it, and I couldn't change my shirt, because I only had a flint and a water canteen, neither of them sufficient for shirt replacing.

I would sit on the ground, after wrapping myself in my coat and cry...and then a bear would eat me.

Bear Grylls has taught me to stay home. He has taught me not to venture far from a highway.

Bear Grylls has taught me to never pack light. And where do you buy a flint? I'm getting one sewn onto my leg or something.

And what about his camera man?

How does camera man not at least GROAN when he sees Bear squeeze a big Elephant Poo into his mouth, so he can "rehydrate" on the pachyderm's poopy liquid?

How does one keep silent when witnessing someone squeeze Elephant poo juice into their mouth?

How?

How does the camera man not say, "Dude...seriously. I'm going to hit you if you do something like that again."

And what about his wife?

If Aaron came home from being stranded in some awful place, but told me he wrapped his head in pee and then ate maggots to survive, I would stand far away from him, tell him I loved him in sign language, blow him a kiss, but then demand that he go swim in a pool of gasoline, set himself on fire and then get his teeth ripped out at the dentist.

Welcome home, honey!

17 comments:

LD said...

I love this show! In a gross, sick-out kind of way. I'm always so fascinated and yet so disturbed when I watch it. I kept waiting for you to mention the elephant poo bit - I think that might have been the worst one. The few tablespoons of nastified liquid he got from that cannot have possibly helped him survive. I shuddered just now thinking about it. Gross. I bet he has parasites out the wazoo.

PS If I join Bacak Nation in January 2009 can I come live in your sweet new house?

Ryan Price said...

Oh you know you love it!

However... the look on your face when you walked into the room to him eating the sheep's eye (because we rewinded it on tivo just to gross you out) was probably one of the funniest moments of the past week.

And... I give the boys about another week before they start putting the little crawly things that reside in the cage on your front porch in their own mouths!

Anonymous said...

Heather

You crack me up....

This is my husbands favorite show and it sicks me out!

I was wondering if you were ever going to get to the Elephant Poop!
As if the rest weren't enough!

Disgusting...totally disgusting!

Cindy

Anonymous said...

This show is so awesome. I think we need a hope group mans night (or any men) at your house to watch this every friday night(isn't that when its regular schedule is?).
That would be awesome.
But the only reason why i don't like that show is because SOOOOOO many things in the show are staged.
but besides that its amazing.
I know your shaking your head at me heather and going "WHY is it amazing?!?!"

and i'd say, just because.
haha
sincerely,
Chad (mohawk Chad, The Chad...just so theres no confusion to who i am. haha)

D.O. said...

He is clearly a man. A man.

Anonymous said...

I seriously almost just puked my coffee. That is just sick. I am not as anti-nature as you, Heather; we adore tent camping. But really, this is just not normal!

Aimee

Sarah said...

i was hungry before i read this.

now i think i will just watch a movie.
a girly movie.

Hendrick Family said...

Yes...I was thinking while I typed this post...

Maybe I do need a girl.

Then we could sit on the couch and watch The Cosby Show together like civilized people.

Heather

Anonymous said...

I am all for a " Hendrick "

G I R L!!!!!!

She could be my friend!

Sydni

brandon said...

First, I agree with D.O. that such things should indeed be called manly.

However, I find it interesting that they say this dude has nothing to survive on, yet the camermen following him seem to get by without peeing on themselves. So...you kinda have to wonder about that.

For the record, I have seen this dude squeeze elephant dung in order to get the water that comes out of it, so that he could make it through the desert. Meanwhile, camera guy drinks a Dasani. Interesting...

Ryan Price said...

Brandon:

That is what I am screaming the entire time! This is the reason I hate reality TV shows. That one person is the only one living the "reality"... but, his whole crew of several people are able to get the amazing shots of all this stuff that he does...

I wonder how they made it through the freezing water in the canyon scene... where he had to hold his breath and swim under all those limbs and stuff. I'm sure they just strapped their cameras on their backs and followed him... riiiggghhhhtt...

Kathryn, Michael & Alex said...

My boys too love this show.

I would curl up in a corner and die.

I would be seeing Jesus face to face saying "thank You that I do not have to drink elephant poop"

The Uptons said...

Heather--my wife and I have not had the privilege of meeting you and your family (we are participating in the Shepherding book discussion), but you have quickly joined our list of one of the funniest people we know...at least when it comes to writing. This post about Bear whatever his last name is has reminded me that we do not have any need for cable television anytime in the near future. I'm a guy and I've worked in a hospital so I've seen my share of gross things, but I'll have to pass on this show. I'm also thankful that my 3 year old son will remain unexposed to Bear...at least until he is old enough to go to a buddy's house and watch it there. --Matt

The Kramer Family said...

Jason loves this show!!! Of course he thinks this man is one of the coolest on tv right now, but I tend to disagree. Jason wishes he could live in a tent in the middle of the woods so he would think this guy was something special.

I on the other hand think this show is totally pointless. First of all, the scenarios he is placed in are highly ulikely for anyone to even be in. And the people that do find themselves in these situations probably have enough sense to bring some MREs or something. Seriously, who brings nothing when they are taking on mother nature?

King Family said...

heather,

I've only seen the show for about 10 minutes and all he did was make a compass out of a rock and stick. I was pretty amazed. I had no idea it was so icky. I don't think I'll be tuning in to that again unless of course Ross and Sam discover it soon. Very funny post!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I had to comment, because I am so with you on this one. We have been tuning into this show. The episode we saw last night was one of the most discusting I have seen yet. I think he was in Australia and he had ran out of water. He peed in his canteen and drank it! I couldn't believe it, I gulped and gasped just thinking about it. Then he also ate this spider that he called a crucifix spider because when it lays in it's web it is shaped kind of like a cross. That has to be blasphemy right there! Ha! Ha! Anyways, I enjoy reading your blog, just wanted to join in!

Becky schafer

Hendrick Family said...

I know! We watched this last night too! Gross. I about died.

And they didn't just show him drinking it once...oh no...many times!

Ick!

Heather