Monday, June 18, 2007
It's been an emotional week for us.
Last week, we once again thought I was pregnant.
And right after we posted that post about getting the truck...getting the money.
Some of you may remember that last summer, this same thing happened to me. That's why we kept it to ourselves this time.
Last summer I thought I was pregnant.
Took pregnancy tests.
They were positive.
Got blood work done.
Same scenario happened last week.
When I took the positive tests, we were so confused.
We thought for sure that we were supposed to be adopting a baby next.
We were not trying to get pregnant.
God gave us the money.
Before getting the money, the ONLY reason we were going to try and have another biological child was because we didn't have the money to adopt.
Now we did.
Then three pregnancy tests said I was having a baby.
Then the blood work said we weren't.
After all of that was over, Aaron and I talked about what we were going to do. We want children. I confessed to him that it's going to be hard for me if I really think I will NEVER get pregnant again. We make some stinkin' cute, and fabulous kids!
So here goes.
Here are all the things I threw up on Aaron when we had our final heart to heart about whether or not we were pursuing adoption, or birthing another baby.
1. I told Aaron that I like our kids and they are cute and I want a hundred more just like them. If I HAVE them, from my past record...these kids will be super duper and so fun and so smart and so talented and so cute...so why stop when you're on a roll?
Aaron said he wanted to adopt because we had already been given a HUGE privilege to birth three fantastic children and right now...there are other fantastic children out there who need homes.
2. I told Aaron that I'm scared we'll get a messed up kid. I told you I was going to be honest! What if they are dumb, or ugly, or have mental problems or webbed feet?
Aaron said, "Hayden has problems and you still love him. Can you imagine life without him?"
And then it hit me that this was a faith issue. Do I trust Him? Do I believe that I really had nothing to do with the kids that came from my body...God did all that...he perfectly placed them inside me and then in our home, because this was the home where they would come to know Him?
If we adopt, God does not stop being sovereign. He does not stop being in control. We simply get to see Him move and place a child in our home without us having anything to do with it. Nothing! We weren't even the ones who will pay for that child! God did!
3. I told Aaron, just today actually, as we were writing our life's story on the adoption application... Wouldn't it just be easier to make a baby and be done with all this? It would be so much easier than doing all of this work...and so much cheaper...and so much more fun!
I knew I had him.
Anything with the phrase, "make a baby" in it was sure to persuade.
He did like that idea.
He looked up at me for a moment while he was sitting at the computer typing up an answer to a question...paused...and then went back to typing.
That was his answer.
4. What if after we adopt the baby, I want to birth another baby, will this kid feel weird being sandwiched in between biological kids?
5. What if it's hard to feel like this baby is really mine? What if it's hard for our family to feel like this child is just as much a part of this family as any other child?
Aaron said, "I think that's silly. I think from fostering Danny, we were shown that our families responded well. We may all have to learn through this, but that's fine. We can! God may need to grow all of us."
6. Formula is expensive. I won't get to nurse this child, and they aren't a foster child, so that means we are going to have to BUY formula. What are we going to do?
Aaron said, "Heather, someone gave me a truck. I think everything else is going to work out fine."
The other night, after hearing all my concerns Aaron said, "I want to do this, Heather. We want more kids. There is a need for adoptive homes.
I'm sure I'll have a million more crisis of faith between now and when I die.
We chose to go through New Life, the adoption agency Jenn's mom is a part of in Houston.
They know exactly when the trainings will be, which works well for our crazy schedules.
They love the Lord and are seeking His face about where these babies need to grow up.
I love that.
For the next post about all this, I'll share with you our struggles initially with open adoptions, how the Lord changed our hearts, about keeping names birth mothers give their babies at birth...NOTHING has come easy in swallowing any of this.
Our first reaction, in our flesh has always been wrong and stupid.
Thankfully, God is patient.
Thankfully, His Word addresses every fear, every concern and every issue.
Pray for us!
This has been hard, especially for me.
Until going through this process, I had NO IDEA the amount of selfishness and pride that lives inside of me! No idea! I know God is not done in this area. Bring it, God! It hurts to see my insides and how dirty they are, but it feels good to flesh it out and let it go.
Forgiveness feels mighty fine.
We mail in our packet tomorrow!