Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I'm Back

You have no idea how close to death I have been without the internet.

No idea!

I want to be thankful all the time, but monkey pants this has been hard!

Without the internet, you have to call people. Gag!

Without the internet, you have to look things up in the real-life phone book. Ew!

I think I had the chicken pox when we learned how to alphabetize in school...because I am a moron. The phone book...as in the actual book...is equivalent to the card catalog system. Did anyone ever really understand that thing? Not me! And so I won't pretend to understand the phone book. Besides, phone books are made out of newspaper paper...just turning the pages makes me cringe and think about how I don't know what's going on in the Sudan...or in the United States, if I'm being completely honest.

Something as simple as having to use a phone book for an extended period of time could give me depression. I'm sure of it.

I never found BCS swimming pools in the white pages. I never did. And I tried for about a week!

And the yellow pages? Who can work those? Someone needs to make a Yellow Pages for Dummies Book. Then, you would look up what you think a place would be called and it would tell you what the phone book people think it's called. I want to learn how the phone book works, so that if I ever want to get a real job, I could put on my resume...

I'm bilingual.

I speak English and Phone Book.

Then I would write...

You Can't Touch This.

I still can't find where Wal-Mart is listed. What is Wal-Mart? It's not a store. It's not a grocery store. It's not a department store. It's a nothing! It's a store that falls under no categories in the phone book. This has me greatly disturbed. Does anyone know what Wal-Mart is? I have always wished ill will towards Wal-Mart...but mostly because if I want to know how intimately I'm walking with the Lord...I just go to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart exposes the sin in my life like nothing else. I walk out of there hating blue vests, walking long distances and the dead Sam Walton. I leave wanting to take that yellow smiling circle and beat it to pieces with a big bag of frozen chicken breasts. Now I despise Wal-Mart because it doesn't know what it is...so it can't be put in the phone book.

Without the internet, you have to go to stores to look for things. Who does that? I don't shop online much, as in make actual purchases, but I do narrow it down online to what stores I should even think about actually visiting in person.
Going to lots of stores means lots of parking in parking lots. I'm no good at parking. As I pull in and out of my spot, I think to myself, "Seriously...what is wrong with me?"

Without the internet, you have to just guess with paint colors instead of painting entire rooms with your mouse, mixing and matching and color coordinating all your walls. No fun!

Without the internet, you just have to wonder what is going on in the lives of your blog savvy friends...or sit and think about what they may be writing...or what you wish they were writing.

I wrote a new post for all of you and then read it and then commented on it...all in my mind...but not on the internet, because the internet didn't know where our knew house was yet.

But now it does.

I've hugged my computer two times.

I'm so back and ready to write down what I think about:





phone books



I have missed you!

And I've missed my modem.

Long live modems!

Down with Wal-Mart.

Down with maroon books full of phone numbers that a ghost puts on your front porch.


Ryan Price said...

OK... Aaron... don't ever take this away from Heather again. I just felt such hate and rage flowing from this post the entire time I read it. It just can't be healthy! I bet when you're old and in a nursing home or something, you're going to insist that they give you a laptop or something aren't you?

Anyway... I'm glad you're back. You're the only one on my list of blog friends that I know everytime I click on it, something new is going to be there... unlike others that don't change for weeks. (cough cough)

And... I'm not real sure what knowing about the Sudan has to do with phone books... you may have to expand on that thought process...

Hendrick Family said...

Man! I didn't mean for it to sound hate filled. I didn't write it with hate in my heart.

I wrote it in a good mood. A Lauralie Gilmore mood. So, I went back and put in some exclamation points.

Love those exclamation points.


Hendrick Family said...

How do you spell Lauralie?

I should know that.

Erin said...

I think it's spelled loralie. I'm not positive though. I should know this too! I'm so glad Verizon finally came through for you guys!

aggie07 said...

Lorelai...and I don't think it was hate filled...I picked up on the 'gimore mood'

Anonymous said...

"Lorelai", although your guess was really good.

So glad you are back. You crack me up.

Yesterday was our first day of school. Today, he was reading the Bob books. Apparently he's teaching me and not the other way around. All good, though.


D.O. said...

Wal-Mart, as I recall, is a Superstore. We spoke of such things in college. I read entire first half of Sam Waltons autobiography.

I'd like to read the post that you wrote on my behalf and the comment that you posted on my post. Please?

Oh, and Ryan, you must not have my blog on your list of to-do's, because I feel like I update fairly regularly... don't you cough in my direction you little cutie pie.

Melodi said...

You spelled Lauralie correctly. How could you not? She's your TWIN!!!! I always read your posts with her voice in my mind anyway.

I'm so glad you're back!!!! If I can't crawl out from under my busy-ness for weeks, at least I can read your blog and know what you're up to!!!

Roaches and trains....do tell!!

Grandma said...

Hooray! I can tell ya that Grandma was about to have the DT's! Allthingshendrick withdrawal.

LD said...

I was so excited when I saw a new post... I was seriously starting to go through withdrawals. How can I blog-stalk you if you don't have the internet to post with?

the groves said...

oh my how I have missed you Heather Hendrick. who can write such a funny story about PHONE BOOKS... seriously.

i share in your hatred for Walmart...my mom absolutely loves it therefore I have been WAY to many times in my life. :) those dang check out lines...

Sarah said...

the internet was having the same withdrawals without you too, Heather. you must know. the wittiness, the satire--it was all lacking in the world of the wide web. we are ALL glad you are back!

King Family said...

So glad you're back! I've been wondering about some of those new things in your life, namely the train and all that walking! I completely agree about the phone book. Yuck. Why do they give you so many? Every few months I feel like a new one is on my doorstep. Sadly, I think our home would go into shock without the internet too. Also, can't wait to talk with you about "Her Hands-ComChurch."

The Campbell Clan said...

I feel your pain. Today is the first day we have had internet in our home for about a month and half. It's just crazy! But, I'm thankful we have it now. I feel like I'm back in the land of the living or something. Yeah!