Tuesday, June 05, 2007
You have no idea how close to death I have been without the internet.
I want to be thankful all the time, but monkey pants this has been hard!
Without the internet, you have to call people. Gag!
Without the internet, you have to look things up in the real-life phone book. Ew!
I think I had the chicken pox when we learned how to alphabetize in school...because I am a moron. The phone book...as in the actual book...is equivalent to the card catalog system. Did anyone ever really understand that thing? Not me! And so I won't pretend to understand the phone book. Besides, phone books are made out of newspaper paper...just turning the pages makes me cringe and think about how I don't know what's going on in the Sudan...or in the United States, if I'm being completely honest.
Something as simple as having to use a phone book for an extended period of time could give me depression. I'm sure of it.
I never found BCS swimming pools in the white pages. I never did. And I tried for about a week!
And the yellow pages? Who can work those? Someone needs to make a Yellow Pages for Dummies Book. Then, you would look up what you think a place would be called and it would tell you what the phone book people think it's called. I want to learn how the phone book works, so that if I ever want to get a real job, I could put on my resume...
I speak English and Phone Book.
Then I would write...
You Can't Touch This.
I still can't find where Wal-Mart is listed. What is Wal-Mart? It's not a store. It's not a grocery store. It's not a department store. It's a nothing! It's a store that falls under no categories in the phone book. This has me greatly disturbed. Does anyone know what Wal-Mart is? I have always wished ill will towards Wal-Mart...but mostly because if I want to know how intimately I'm walking with the Lord...I just go to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart exposes the sin in my life like nothing else. I walk out of there hating blue vests, walking long distances and the dead Sam Walton. I leave wanting to take that yellow smiling circle and beat it to pieces with a big bag of frozen chicken breasts. Now I despise Wal-Mart because it doesn't know what it is...so it can't be put in the phone book.
Without the internet, you have to go to stores to look for things. Who does that? I don't shop online much, as in make actual purchases, but I do narrow it down online to what stores I should even think about actually visiting in person. Going to lots of stores means lots of parking in parking lots. I'm no good at parking. As I pull in and out of my spot, I think to myself, "Seriously...what is wrong with me?"
Without the internet, you have to just guess with paint colors instead of painting entire rooms with your mouse, mixing and matching and color coordinating all your walls. No fun!
Without the internet, you just have to wonder what is going on in the lives of your blog savvy friends...or sit and think about what they may be writing...or what you wish they were writing.
I wrote a new post for all of you and then read it and then commented on it...all in my mind...but not on the internet, because the internet didn't know where our knew house was yet.
But now it does.
I've hugged my computer two times.
I'm so back and ready to write down what I think about:
I have missed you!
And I've missed my modem.
Long live modems!
Down with Wal-Mart.
Down with maroon books full of phone numbers that a ghost puts on your front porch.