Saturday, February 10, 2007

Stupid Flu


I keep expecting frogs and locusts to swarm us at any moment.

The plague has visited our house this month.

It started three weeks ago with Ashton saying his mouth hurt.


He had strep throat.

Then Anson came down with the flu.


Now Hayden has it.


Did you know the flu lasts about 12 years?

This is why most people get a flu shot, I’m sure.

We didn’t get flu shots because we’ve never had the flu.

We will get two every year from now on.

Good thing we learned this lesson with flu shots instead of fire insurance.

Aaron doesn’t have the flu, but he broke his back and has a fountain of mucus coming out of every hole in his face.

He sneezed in my Laynes box the other day.

I saw the snot hit my chicken finger.

I closed the box and put it away.

It’s a sad, sad day when a mother walks around getting on to every male in sight using phrases like this:

“Keep your snot to yourself.”

“Blow your nose, hearing you breathe is making me gag.”

“Don’t wipe your snot on your brother.”

“Cover your cough, oh my gosh, cover your cough.”

“Get away. Get away!”

“I’m about to shove the vacuum cleaner attachment up your nose and turn it on.”

I’ve been at home for three weeks.

Today when Hayden woke up with a high fever, I thought I was going to run away and join the soupus.

That’s when I decided that I needed to get over feeling sorry for myself.

The cure for flu blues is…

To get the flu shot like responsible people… Man!

Or, I could remember all the things I have to be thankful for in my life.

Sure, I have snot all over my shoulders, but what does that matter when there is cream cheese?


The world really is a better place because of this white rectangle. I’ve included two delicious recipes in the comment section using this divine gift from the heavens.

And who cares that Aaron wasn’t the only person to sneeze on my food. Anson also sneezed right into my lunch. But who gives a flip when that lunch was Strawberry salad.


I still ate it with Anson’s sneeze in it. It’s that good.

I eat it every day for some meal.

My aunt makes this stuff in a way that makes me feel like I’m levitating when I eat it, but here is Kirby's ghetto version for every day consumption.

Bag spinach
Strawberries cut in slices
Feta Cheese
Brianna’s Home Style Blush Wine Vinaigrette Dressing


Mix and eat.

If you close your eyes, you can pretend all the snot monkeys in your house have magically disappeared and you are sitting at Maddens.
And, after a long hard day of telling Anson that if he doesn’t take his medicine, I’m taking him to the hospital and letting them stab him with needles so he won’t die, I can forget about all that while I eat:


Ashton said my cereal looks like Pop Tarts. It does. It’s so yum.

And even though I’m having to hold my kids down to get them to drink liquids…so much so that when they go tee-tee twice a day, the smell makes me practically pass out…I can forget about the funk and be thankful that for an early Valentines Day present, my husband bought me….drum roll…

An infrared high tech laser thermometer.

I feel like a spy mother.

No more falling asleep while I take my children’s temperatures in the middle of the night.

No more adding a degree.

No more sticking a freezing cold metal thing under their tiny arm that wants to be left alone.

Aaron knows that with so many kids in the house, that if I could do simple math and actually manage to add it up, the time I spend sitting and waiting for a thermometer to beep is pretty high.

But now, all I do is rub this thing on their forehead and in a second I know if I have to sit on them to get their medicine down their throat. I love this thing!

I’ve taken the temperature of everything in our house today. My stove. My laundry. My hair.

It’s not really that big of a deal that Anson’s nose has been so noticeable to him the last 7 days that he has now become obsessed with his nose hairs. He can’t stop talking about them. But that doesn’t matter when I have Sonic cups.
They are a perfect creation. Insulated, tall and cup holder shaped. The perfect device to hold water. I try to drink coke in them, because that sounds so cool...to get a coke. But really, I just like the cups with water in them. I try to be hip with my beverage, but I just can't. Water makes my mouth happy. Water from a Sonic cup makes my mouth love being a mouth.

Sonic cups to me are like cows to people in India. They are sacred. I care for them with great love and adoration. They have their own cabinet. I wash them in the dishwasher. I grieve when I lose one of them.

And who cares if my kids only cough when they can do it right in my face. That’s all meaningless when I remember that I have an electric blanket.

Imagine a picture here, cause I messed up...and no way am I doing this all over again.
My in-laws got this for me for Christmas. God love ‘em. It’s the best gift ever. The older I get, the colder I get. Before bedtime, I turn my side of the bed on and it heats it up like an inferno. Then I get in and thaw out. I get under my covers and rub my arms and legs all around and chant, “I love this. I love this. I love this.”

Then, Aaron gets in the bed. He isn’t a fan of my electric blanket, even though it has dual controls, so his side never has to be on. Apparently, the older Aaron gets, the more dramatic he gets. Every night, he gets in bed and within a few minutes says something like this…and he says it very loudly…just like Napoleon Dynamite…

“I hate that thing. It feels like hell’s flames are hitting my legs.”

Then he throws the covers off and complains that my blanket burnt off all his leg hairs or something. This does not faze me. I love my blanket and he can’t make me stop. I wake up drenched with sweat in the middle of the night, but by golly, I still love it.

And who cares if the flu lasts an eternity, is contagious, but takes its good old time making its rounds through all the bodies in our house. 7 people, all get the flu, a week a part for a week each…I can’t do math, but if I could, I think this means we are going to be sick until July. But that doesn’t matter when I have proactive.
This stuff is simply amazing. When I turned thirty, I found out that zits are not just for seventh graders, and that I love Jessica Simpson. Maybe I am a seventh grader.

And what do I care if having sick kids has made it even harder to keep a house in tip top condition while realtors show it to potential buyers? When someone doesn’t like it, I think, “Well, we probably gave you the flu.” That makes me smile. And, so does my coffee grinder.

Kaycee got it for me for my birthday. The first time I drank homemade, fresh ground coffee, I felt like I was on the Truman show. Except my name is Heather and it was the Heather show. All of a sudden, I realized that my previous coffee drinking world was all sad and made up. Really, there was a whole new world out there…with beans and sharp blades that chopped them up. It’s like I woke up out of a deep sleep. I look at my old red Folgers container with contempt now...like it was keeping something wonderful from me...that big, fat, red phoney head.

And what does it matter, really, in the grand scheme of things that taking care of sick people for three weeks has made me absolutely exhausted when I have my favorite socks.
A huge part of my marriage to Aaron is the game we play with these socks. We fight over them. We hide them from each other. We are ruthless. It’s so fun.

The flu may stink, but life is so good when I turn on my electric blanket on my bed, grab some of my favorite socks that I hid so Aaron couldn’t have them…stick those socks in the bed under my electric blanket and then come back a few minutes later and slip those hell-heated socks on my feet while I’m tucking in sick children and forcing my invalid husband to take some medicine before bed.

I feel so sorry for all my sick babies.

The flu is so crappy, but not much else in my life is.

10 comments:

Hendrick Family said...

ITALIAN CASSEROLE

This is from Ashley Garratt. It's so yum.

1 pound of beef-cooked
2 Cups shredded cheddar cheese
1 block of cream cheese
1 jar spaghetti sauce
1 pkg. large shell noodles-cooked

This is one of Mike’s favorite things I make. Mix cooked noodles and cream cheese together. Cream cheese melts better when noodles are hot. Place in greased 9x13 baking dish. Layer cooked beef on top of noodle cream cheese mixture. Then put entire jar of spaghetti sauce on top. Top with shredded cheese. Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes.

What I do though is make spaghetti early in the week. I cook two pounds of ground turkey meat and add two things of Ragu Super Chunky Mushroom. I freeze half. Then, later in the week, I make this.

I use a block and a half of cream cheese because, what can I say, I love it!

HOPE GROUP DESSERT

2 cans crescent rolls
2 - 8 oz. cream cheese, softened
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 cup butter, melted
1 tsp. cinnamon

Spread one of the cans of rolls in bottom of ungreased 9X13 dish - pressing seams together. Then mix both pkgs. of cream cheese, 1 cup sugar, and vanilla well and spread over the rolls. Next, spread the other can of rolls over cream cheese mix pressing seams together. Pour melted butter over rolls. Sprinkle remaining sugar and cinnamon. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

Also good with apple, blueberry or strawberry pie filling added on top of the cream cheese mixture, before using the top layer of crescent rolls. If you use apples, slice them thin before using.

LD said...

Hilarious. I have a cream cheese reicpe for you... ready?

Twice Baked Potatoes

4 baking potatoes
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup milk
4 tablespoons butter
Cream cheese (I only use like 2 ounces but you can add however much you want - we all know you don't use recipes anyway)
Salt and pepper to taste
Green onions
Bacon
Cheese

Bake the potatoes at 350 for 1 hour. Cut the potatoes in half and shell out the potatoes, leaving the skins. Use a hand mixer to mix the potatoes, milk, butter, chream cheese, sour cream, salt, and pepper in a bowl until creamy. Spoon the mixture back into the potato skins and top with green onions, bacon, and cheese. Stick them back in the oven for another 15-20 minutes to melt the cheese.... mmm goodness.

--matt said...

you go to h.e.b.

you buy rasberry chipotle marinade

(h.e.b. brand)

you pour it over a block of cream cheese

you get some crackers...

you take a bite.

eghads!! where has your tongue gone?!?!

it suddenly vanished!

don't worry...you'll have it back again someday...

it's in heaven.

Hendrick Family said...

Matt Graham! I miss you!!

You need to come home and then come to our home and catch up...but after the death has lifted from our house.

And I will be eating all this cream cheese stuff you guys. Manatee...here I come!

Garratts said...

I remember once I saw Aaron at Scott and White and he said, "What are you doing here?" I said,"we are getting our flu shots."

He said, "why, who actually gets those things?" I said, "we do".

He made fun of us!

Now what does he think?

Hendrick Family said...

And another one bites the dust! Poor little Danny just woke up with fever. I knew there was something wrong when he walked in the bathroom where I was blow drying my hair...and instead of smiling and running off, he walked in and laid down in my closet floor...and just looked at me. Poor guy!

Aimee said...

Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for what little sleep I do get, and for my healthy, flu-shotted up family! My only problem is a 5 month old who won't sleep at night. I'll take that over a house full of illness any day.

And thanks for the recipes!!

Aimee

Ashley Driskell said...

I was gonna tell you about cream cheese and rasberry chipotle marinade but... someone beat me to it. It's amazing!

Jennifer Bacak said...

Flu shots.
Available at Dr. Rusty Bacak's office every season.
See you there.
We shot up our whole family, and I'm quite grateful for that right now, considering our frequent contact with the Hendrick family.
Love you Hendricks! Feel better soon!
jenn

the lewisi female said...

my junior year we collected all of our sonic cups each day and washed them out and decorated our house with them. They went on bookshelves and little shelf thingies in the kitchen and on ledges... it was great. No one got it... but I think you might've! Now I save sonic and mcalisters cups and reuse them and every one here thinks I'm insane... but who can afford to buy a sonic every time you need a drink! miss you!