Friday, January 05, 2007

Fellow Females


Look…

I’m about to shed some light on the bizarre brains of men.

This impending enlightenment is the fruit of 30 years of male observation.

So go get your cute little journals girls...oh...and your colored pens.

I wish what I was about to tell you was something incredibly fantastic, but you see, that’s one of the illusions called man.

When you are single, you think that men are mysteries waiting to be solved.

You think they are deep because they’re silent.

You think they are strong because they are solemn.

No. Not hardly.

Men are very easy to read.

They are quiet because they either don’t know what to say, they aren't aware they are supposed to be saying something, or they weren't even sure you were talking to them in the first place.

They can be calm, grounded and solemn because they don't know they should be trying to impress you, even though you’re practically hula hooping with your hair on fire to get their attention.

Here’s a little known tidbit about men that should alarm you.

Got your purple pen?

They all play this game in their minds called, "The What If Game."

For the first half of my life I lived with a brother who would randomly say, "What if we had to walk backwards everywhere we went?" "What if we had to chew our food 50 times, spit it out and then eat it again?" "What if dogs could talk, but only in French, so we still couldn’t understand them?" "What if I had to sleep with my legs sticking straight up in the air?" "What if this roll of wall paper was stuck in my forehead? I would be like a unicorn. How would I put on my shirts?"

That was my life with Jason.

I thought I would be saying goodbye to this WASTE OF TIME thought process once I finally got my new double consonant name (I would have married a man with the last name of Hoogleberry to obtain this).

Wrong.

After I said, "I do," I quickly said, "This cannot be happening." I got married and found out that Aaron plays the same insane little game. I don’t know why, but "The What If Game" makes me want to hit him in the face with a cookie sheet.

He and Jason were both so serious about their "What Ifs." That's the most unsettling part. They really and truly expect you to begin problem solving over these made up scenarios. Really. I'm not joking. They see nothing wrong with logically trying to solve an illogical problem.

Aaron will pick the most inopportune times to amuse himself with the what ifs. We'll be getting ready for a birthday party or for company to come over and it will hit him..."What if I were a goat?" I'm trying to hurry, and he's chewing on napkins.

How are we still married?

Moments before I catapulted myself out of the bed to type this man betrayal, I was lying there next to my husband. He looks at me and says with his jaws clenched together, "What if I couldn’t open my mouth ever again."

Unfortunately I don’t keep cookie sheets in our bed. I will from now on.

I made a loud, "UGGGGH."

I then told him I had to know what is wrong with men. Why do they do this? It must be all men, because I’m no mathematician (actually, I can’t even tell time properly) but what are the chances that my brother and husband BOTH play the dumb "What if Game?"

Aaron informed me that he and Mike have already discussed this and they both do it and think all men do. I had him immediately call Allen. Allen was my only hope. I thought for sure Allen would not partake in this pitiful past time. Even Allen does it. Allen.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why waste brain time thinking about what ifs…and not what ifs that matter. They aren’t trying to save the world in case a meteor strikes. They are not endeavoring to solve global warming. They aren't trying to lower our gas prices.

They aren’t even trying to get ready for this "what if"… "What if the electricity goes out?" I don’t think we have one flashlight that works around here.

Oh no.

They spend their time thinking about if their legs could only fold backwards, or their skin was inside out or if everyone had to keep their wallets in their cheeks.

Aaron informed me that one time when he was taking a bath (I can’t believe I’m even saying that since I hate that everyone knows this sad fact about my darling husband) he took a whole bath not using his arms because on the way into the bathtub, this thought unfortunately crossed his mind..."What if I didn’t have arms."

Why?

Why?

Why?

He even came to the conclusion that he would have to invent a faux arm that stuck out of the bathroom wall so that after he squeezed the shampoo onto his head, using his feet, he could rub his soapy head up against the prosthetic fingers. The phony fingers would aid in the lathering process so his hair could be nice and undandruffy.

What?

So, ladies…if you have ever thought that men are a mystery, now you know that they in fact are…just not an exciting mystery…more like a disturbing, what the heck is wrong with them mystery.

Fess up boys, you know you do this.

I’m so on to you.


So on to you.

15 comments:

Ben said...

Wait, this is amazing. I didn't know that anyone, let alone a woman, knew that I played the 'what if' game???? Heather, you are a genius. Thats amazing, because I am 25 and I still play that game probably 5 to 10 times a day.

Seriously, how did you know that? I mean, what if I knew how you knew that? :)

LD said...

Oh man, Heather. I choose the most inopportune times to read your blog. I'm in the hospital room with my mom and all I can do is cover my face with my hands and desperately try not to wake her up from laughing. I can't stop. You need to get this blog published. FOR REAL. I'm going to start thinking of book titles.

Hendrick Family said...

Ben! I tried to comment on your blog but it wouldn't let me. I'm taking my coffee beans out of my freezer right this minute. I've got fish sticks in there! Yuck!

Hendrick Family said...

Lauren...

Email me an update about your mom!

rachel said...

My brothers always played this game. I favorite was stuff like, "what if a lion and a shark fought and land/water didn't matter, who would win?"

I think I might have too much testosterone or something because I am rather found of imagining what-if senarios, but I have to be in a silly mood.

brandon said...

hooray for the faux arm..

...and to answer rachel, the lion would totally win. he has more useful appendages. Now, "What if a lion and an alligator fought?" seems like a more valid question to me.

--matt g said...

Last night as I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear.
And pranced and partied all night long.
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then . . .
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

--shel silverstein

Anonymous said...

Heather, you are an amazing funny person. Who needs to do sit-ups, my abs get a nice workout every time I read your blog. I will have to say though, there is at least one guy that doesn't play the what if game....Andy. But I guess I make up for it. I haven't played the what if game in a long time, but when I was growing up I used to think crazy what if thoughts. One time I thought what if I go blind? So, I went around the house for a whole year with my eyes closed practicing being blind so it wouldn't be so scary when it actually happened. Andy still hasn't let that one go. I guess it was pretty dumb. -Amanda G.

heather said...

Matt G! We miss you. Lots.

Amanda...you had both of us laughing about you acting like you are blind. Aaron immediately said..."I do that."

Crazy people!!!

Heather

Ben said...

Sorry Heather - me blog was "closed for comment" for a while, but she's back open for business. Glad you took those grinds out the freezer, for the best part of waking up would not be fishstick flavors in my cup.

Jennifer Bacak said...

Rusty says "What if I had time to play the What-If game?"
jenn

Jennifer Bacak said...

What if I actually had time to play what if.....

Rusty

Jennifer Bacak said...

what if I actually had time to read that my wife already posted my response..
rusty

Hendrick Family said...

Holy cow, Bacaks...What if you got it together on our blog? Huh?

Anthony and Sharon said...

Heather- I am a somewhat frequent visitor to your blog via Brooke B.'s blog (we live in neighboring countries). I usually avoid seeming like a weirdo by commenting on 'strangers' blogs but you had me in stitches with this one. Since moving to SEAsia, my hubby has gotten even weirder with the what if's- "What if all we had to eat was durian?" (durian is a foul fruit that you burp up for 3 days after eating) "What if our whole floor was covered with lizards and we had to walk on our tiptoes?" etc.
Feel free to check our blog out, this week we featured some tattooed fish.
Blessings- Sharon