Friday, November 24, 2006

Put Another Dime in the Jukebox Baby


It’s haunted me.

And yet…it’s here.

Face to face we meet.

Hello 30.

You aren’t as frightening up close.

You’re almost tolerable.


It doesn’t seem young.

But it doesn’t seem old.

It just seems like more.

Look at the difference between 2 and 3.

Less complex.

Less torn.

Less rigid.

Yet more grounded.

More embracing.

More all the same direction.

More confident in what is right,
with out having to be so confident in me.

30 is a relief.

It’s like I’ve been there, done that, come back home to reevaluate, sort…keep, toss…put some things in frames on shelves, and yet some things…some things go back in the drawer.

Maybe my 40’s will explain those things.

30 means I’ve found a spot that’s mine.

I'm a small town's down town.

A mixture of the past, that's so meaningful, that can't be recreated......and the promising.

30 is like main street.

The view is good from this corner.

Either way I look I see how far I’ve come, or how much further there is to go.

I see I'm not alone.

My life is a busy road. Full of animation and profound connection.

The street of my life is adorned with precious people.

Personalities that bring me great comfort and joy.

I'm at home in their lives.

I've been taken from the loud, crunchy plastic pot and planted in the yard of their souls...where it's ok to be just be.

It’s nice.

I think I like 30.

It feels honest.



There are so many things I care so deeply about, and so many more things I used to care about but now couldn’t care less.

There are so many things I don't want anymore...and a few I want so badly it hurts.

I want the days to stop going by so quickly.

In the blustery wind of today, I want to reach out...grab my children, make it all stop..just stop...and look deep into who they are, imprinting the depths of them with my love.

So they never forget. So they never wonder if they are wonderful.

I want more ways to show Aaron how much I love him. How much just him inhaling and exhaling next to me in my bed means to me. How much the steady rhythm, the perfect beat of his life tames me...teaches me...makes me sane.


It feels nice to focus.

Forget the fickle.

Dump out the dumb.

A lot happens in 30 years.

A lot of growing.

A lot of stretching.

A lot of getting lost and getting found.

A lot of heat that’s done a lot of unfortunate things to the outside of my body…but something breath taking to my insides.

I took a good look at myself in the mirror just now.

It’s true. My beauty is fading.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

There are lines now in what once were smooth places.

My skin looks sort of it's tired of sucking in to fool people.

The outside of me is changing.

30 means transformation.

30 means caring less about my outsides.

Anyone with enough time and money can have nice outsides.

Don't misunderstand.

As long as I have time, Kirby and a gym membership, I will go down fighting.

Wrinkles and sags are in for the fight of their life.

I will not surrender with out kicking and screaming all the way.

It's just...I know it's not going to last, so my focus begins to shift...from outdoor projects to inside ones.

Doing the hard work of letting the sword have greater access to my guts, my core, the cave of God permission to redecorate my interior...

Move my furniture around to suit Him...

Alter the color...

Freshen up a bit...make my breath fruity...

Sort through me and decide what stays...what goes...

That takes courage...and faith.

One day efforts to spruce up my landscaping will be in vain.

There are some things lip gloss cannot fix.

So after the smoke from my glamour fire flees, I want to find wisdom here.




I want to be valuable all the days of my life.

So that even though the outside is withering, the inside is becoming even more new.

More radiant.




Hello 30.

Let’s be friends.

Speaking of friends…

I have sweet ones.

They had me a surprise party.

It wasn't a surprise, but that’s ok.

We all knew it was best I found out.

I hate surprises.

My mind needs time to think.

Time to think all the things it wants to think.

By the time I actually arrive in a place,
I’ve already wandered it in my mind.

I already know the details.

In my mind, I wrote what I’m writing right now, yesterday.

It’s just how my brain works.

I enjoyed the party because I knew about it…
and because it was fantastic.

It was 80’s themed.


We busted out our leggings, side ponies and blue eye shadow.

We walked like an Egyptian and played Atari.

Jenn had “I love 1976” t-shirts made.


My girlfriends got me a Chi. The “bling” edition.

I feel like a movie star.

In my thirties, I will have straight, shiny hair.

I love you people.

Thank you for making my 30th birthday funny.

I had more laughs in reality than I did in
my make believe party in my mind.

That says something.

And now…for your enjoyment…

My party…my friends…80’s style

I love these girls!
Judy looked just like Madonna.
Kirby and her belly in leggings.
Lynsey and my new NIECE in shoulder pads.
Lynsey did the "hammer" pregnant,
and she was still awesome.

My Ashawe, who wore leggins just for me.
She and Lynsey hip-hop danced.
Lots of screaming. So funny.

Rusty being a goober.
He was our fantastic DJ for the night.

Jenn with her sweater arms that doubled as leg warmers.
Clever. Very clever.

Sweet friend with high hair!

How cool is Mike in his sweat pants?
And do you see Ashley's jelly bracelets?

80's wanna-bes.
But this proves...Kirby could be cute in ANY time period.
We decided that Charlie looked like the preppy 80's friend
who would have supplied the drugs for the party.

Eric and Wendy were so funny.
I want this to be Eric's real hair.
And I want him to flick it around like he did at the party. All in favor?

Tamara made my cool MTV cake!
I ate the Joan Jett piece.

My brother, the boy off Goonies, talking to 80's Matt.

Here is the most frightening thing about my party:

Practically all the clothes were bought at modern-day stores. NOT resale shops.

Like my 30's, the 80's haunting is over.

The 80's are here.

Go celebrate by putting on some leggings.

And listening to MC Hammer.

But don't do cocaine at a party hosted by your rich friend.

That's not cool in any decade.


Jennifer Bacak said...

I'm sittin' pretty at 31, and it feels pretty good. It was great to welcome the third decade of Heather with such a bang.

Your friend with high hair

Hendrick Family said...

Happy Birthday Honey!

30 doesn't seem that much different than 29. Except that now I'm in my 20's and I'm sleeping with a woman who is in her 30's.

And even though I don't comment much on this blog ... (sorry) ... I am right now. Because I want you and all the seeming millions of people who read this blog to know that I love you.

I love lying next to you in the bed.
I love the lines and the smooth spots.
I love reading this blog and falling in love all over again with your talent with words and the crazy way your mind works.
I love the way you care for me and our boys.
I couldn't have made up a better wife, mother, and helper.

And I'm looking forward to getting old with you.

Although never as old AS you.


CarpioFamily said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!, I actually thought that Wendy & Jenn's hair looked really nice like that. I wish i could have seen you'll during the real 80's.
Carlos and I laughed so hard at Aaron's comment. Both of you are stinkin hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Though I didn't want to read this entire post--because I'm a firm believer in the fact that your posts are too long--I did it anyway. I've got some things to say:

Mike is hilarious.

Why did Aaron not go to the party?

Eric needs to have that wig surgically implanted into his skull, for real

Heather is still beautiful. My mom just turned my age plus your age minus three (50) and she's still beautiful, so 30 ain't nothing girly.

Anonymous said...

In the future I will read the bachak blog religiously. I hate that I missed out on that fun. What an awesome birthday idea. Heather I love to read what you and Aaron are able to put into words. I just hope that Wade knows that I think just as highly of him, even though I wouldn't know how to articulate it. You have been such a blessing in my life, I'm glad someone made you feel so special in yours. Love ya, Liz

Kathryn Berilla said...

I loved the 80's.

I was such a Madonna-wanna-be...actually I was a Valley girl...we walked around and really said "like gag me with a spoon" and "grody to the max"

Totally...we did!!!!

I wore blue eyeshadow. I had high hair, leg warmers and bracelets up to my elbows

bethan said...

You make me want to be 30, Heather...but I am willing to wait and grow for 7 years and 26 days more.

Anonymous said...

i think that eric needs to be on a game show or something... that's pretty much the most amazing outfit i have ever seen!!!

and Happy Birthday to Heather!