Sunday, September 10, 2006

Puking



Stomach viruses are the very worst thing that can hit a large family.

As soon as one of my children throws up, I want to flee the country, because I know that the throw up germs will soon be spewing from every hole of every body that lives in this happy home. That's a lot of holes, people.

I would rather my house be hit by a tornado than a stomach virus.

I’m not kidding.

This is partly because none of my children think it’s as much fun to puke in the potty as it is on the floor…or on me…

And partly because as soon as Aaron sees one of our children throw up, he all of a sudden has an irresistible urge, that has never surfaced prior to the puking, to take up jogging around our neighborhood. He’s out the door before I can stop convulsing with disgust near the horrified, precious little puker.

Stomach viruses have a way of making me very aware of how many people live in this house and how much we obviously lick each other or something. We know how to share some germs in this home.

So, Thursday night, about 15 minutes after Aaron left our house for the evening, Danny throws up all over the living room…all over my cute rug…all over my lovely couch.

Since everyone we know has had this horrible, stomach-content launcher, I assume that yep…the virus is here and it’s just waiting to eject from all of us.

So…I stick Danny in the bathtub and rinse him off. He is so confused as to what just happened. I’m sure mass quantities of chunks and liquid shooting out of your face has got to be weird for a little kid…and even weirder that they just watched themselves make that big of a mess and they are not in trouble.

I then run him some bathwater so he can sit and play for a while as I begin the daunting task of cleaning up my battered living room.

My first thought when I walked back into the scene of the crime was…

Let’s just move.

My second thought was I’ve got to do something with the rest of my kids so they stay out of this germy goo.

I send them outside.

They all just woke up from a nap, and instead of giving them hugs and juice, I’m saying, “Get out, get out, get out.” I think they thought I was on drugs.

Then, I practically break my wrist dragging that huge rug out in the back yard.

I come back in the house to clean up the floor and the couch to find that Danny has pooped all in the bathtub.

And to think, I thought this situation could not get any better. Silly me.

I do the only thing I know to do.

I call Aaron and tell him I hate him.

Not really.

I did call him to tell him what happened right after he left.

To this, he says, “I’m sorry, honey. I wish I could come home and help you.” That’s when I say…

“I’m so sure.”

To this he laughs and says, “Yeah, I know…just kidding.”

I clean up the poop. Put a diaper on Danny. Stick him back in the empty bathtub with toys.

Then I see that our Will Ferrell of a dog is dragging that huge rug around the back yard and eating the throw up.

What is wrong with my life? And where is the rapture when you need it?

I yell for the kids to get back inside. I can just see vomit dog running up to them licking them, transferring not only throw up germs…but actual throw up onto my children.

Hayden said, “We need to get a new dog.”

The non-throw uppers watch TV in my room while I finish the nasty task of cleaning up the living room.

After everything has been thoroughly cleaned, I bring them all back into the living room and watch them like a hawk. If they cough, I run them to the bathroom. If they swallow hard…bathroom. If their eyes water…bathroom.

No one gets supper.

They all eat popsicles and grapes. Easy things to throw up that won’t stain anything.

They think it's great.

That night, I draped everyone’s beds with tons of huge blankets. I laid blankets down all over my room, sure they would wake up, walk to my bed and puke. You should have seen the place. It looked like lunatics were living here.

Everything of any value had a blanket over it. Everything uncovered could just be taken straight to the curb if someone yakked on it.

I went to bed extra early, expecting a night from the devil.

However, the next morning, Aaron and I woke up, looked at our room that appeared even more insane in the daylight with blankets covering everything, then made eye contact and said…

“No one threw up!”

It was so exciting. We wanted to hold hands, laugh and dance around in a circle.

Maybe Danny didn’t have a virus.

Maybe God just answered my prayers. I did beg Him and said, "pretty, pretty please, I'll be your best friend."

I don’t know.

I do know that I have decided to put a disaster kit together this week…an emergency, "everyone just started throwing up and Aaron suddenly remembered he needs to sing a song in Florida" kit.

It will include…

Gatorade
Pop Ice
Febreeze
Clorox Clean Up
Gloves
Antibacterial Dish Soap
Rolls and rolls of paper towels
Lots of candy to snack on (I’ve thrown up candy and it’s not too bad)
Clothespins for easier blanket draping
Disinfectant cleaning wipes
Antibacterial hand wash
A utility belt for me to wear that can hold all the stuff above until the disaster has passed.

So please people…

Keep your funk far from us.

If you’ve had a stomach virus, get away.

If you even know someone who has had one…take a break from us.

Like, don't even read our blog.

Please.

13 comments:

Jon, Sally, & Jude said...

aaron seroiusly looks green in that picture...if you didn't mean for him to, this may come across as a big insult...oops.

jon just went to church a few minutes ago. I started reading your blog and called him to ask him to come home. you may have saved our family heather!

no sleep and barf?!? no way. we're not having that...not in this family!

UW said...

I will admit I thought you were going to say that Aaron was the sick one. He looks like a cancer patient that is really excited about having it. But just so you know if they ever chunck while I'm around you will have to let me leave or clean up my puke too.

Garratts said...

Ok-seriously Aaron looks so creepy in that picture. He looks like he needs to be a horror movie.

That is awful!

The Duty's said...

Heather, you know the virus is DEAD in our house and in our bodies. You really have a better chance of NOT getting it by hanging around us. We're pretty much experts about puking anyways and we could give you some tips. Like, don't worry about all those blankets, just sleep next to the toilet, it'll be more convenient. Oh and Allen can show you how to get a cool red eye.

I'm so glad the puke I had to clean up of Taylor's was just milk and not funky chunky.

Pauline said...

We too experienced the virus, Sunday morning after attending church Saturday night. I hope all childrens worship kids are well this week (sorry). Tristin was the only Tice vomiting yesterday, but she did a really good job. I guess by the age of 7 you master the art of getting out of bed and throwing up in the toilet, bulls-eye baby. However in the excitement of the puking the tooth-fairy forgot to come that night. If the tooth-fairy has ever forgotten to come visit one of your kids, you know this is a big deal. Poor Tristin handeled both the situations very graciously and I love her for it. She is feeling better today and the tooth-fairy was very generouse with her change last night.

the Apels said...

Well, I've got it! I woke up last night with a rumbling stomach and had that taste in my throat that makes it hard to swallow b/c you know you are about to puke!

I've been up all night...though, the last time I threw up was 7:00 this morning. I'm not eating ANYthing else until I am for sure I am through this. I think that I've thrown up the last that was in my stomach...so I'm gonna go get some sleep! Keep away from all Living Hopers!!

Melodi said...

ha!!!!!!! Yes, well, we thought it was all over in our house. In fact, John Mark and I looked at each other last night and asked, "You think it's over??? Did we make it????" Well....guess who went down 30 minutes ago?! John Mark! Poor little (big) thing! I do love having boys, though, because they make vomit sound like some very cool thing. They were comparing stories the other day, reminiscing about the "van incident" (as it will be referred to from now on), and I stopped the conversation after:
Boy 1: Dude! I couldn't believe how much came out of your mouth!
Boy 2: I know! It was like EIGHT times! It was all white! I guess because I had milk...
Boy 3: I only threw up SEVEN times. One time was white and another was red, but did you see Hannah's???
Mom: O.K. then! Let's change the topic!
Boys: Aw, Mom!!!

Aggie Gram said...

WOW, I missed worshipping with my HOPE Family Sunday, but maybe that was a "God thing" to keep me well. Since retiring from my 'germ inhabitated job', my nurse immunity is not what it once was! Those are the days I do not miss as a Mom or a school nurse. I've never ceased to be amazed at the quantity one little stomach can hold before dumping. I remember Bert getting so sick that he had to crawl from the bed to the bathroom, pushing a small plastic wastebasket because he was so weak, and he was too big for me to hold up to get there . . .a pitiful sight! I hope ALL are better by the time this is read.

Aggie Gram said...

WOW, I missed worshipping with my HOPE Family Sunday, but maybe that was a "God thing" to keep me well. Since retiring from my 'germ inhabitated job', my nurse immunity is not what it once was! Those are the days I do not miss as a Mom or a school nurse. I've never ceased to be amazed at the quantity one little stomach can hold before dumping. I remember Bert getting so sick that he had to crawl from the bed to the bathroom, pushing a small plastic wastebasket because he was so weak, and he was too big for me to hold up to get there . . .a pitiful sight! I hope ALL are better by the time this is read.

the groves said...

we are staying far away...

also, this post REALLY made me laugh! :) i know it wasn't funny..but you are good at making anything funny Heather!

freemans4jc said...

We are often sad that we don't have time to hang out with the Hendricks much anymore, all Freemans have been very well lately so maybe this simple blog relationship has been good for us.
Hope everyone is feeling much better.

Ricci said...

So, amidst the tale of puke and blankets, I need to ask something unrelated: Is there a dog at the Hendrick house now? Is it a wiener dog on a scooter... is it brave little Trip who has to wheel himself around on a makeshift pvc and radio flyer wheeled contraption? Does sweet Ashton FINALLY get to contribute on pet antics in Cubbies?!

Shannon Krippendorf said...

Shannon Krippendorf said... Can I be your FRIEND?~ I haven't laughed that hard in awhile & you are HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 3 little girls & I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! Laughing is what makes everything O.K. It's hard in the middle of chaos, but once you look back on everything & say what you said~ having a virus becomes an adventure! (SMELLY & FUNNY) TAKE CARE & MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU & YOUR FAMILY ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!