So here’s my latest thing…
I want to be on the up and up regarding current events.
Right now, I honestly don’t have a clue what’s going on in our world. I never have. Ever.
While it would be so convenient to blame my dumbness on having children, or being busy…it would be untrue. When I wasn’t a mother and I was less-busy, I was still dumb about current events.
Every once in a while I try to care about the news. I know I should, so I try. I never stick with it. Actually, I never sit still long enough to watch it or read it.
Aaron told me the other day that Israel was going to war or something and that perhaps Armageddon was right around the corner.
He said it, just like that…so calm, while we were driving around town. I thought he was joking! He wasn’t!
All I could say was, “What? Really?” I was terrified! I vowed that when I got home, I was going to watch the news. If Armageddon was coming, I should know about that…I should be in on this.
But, I forgot.
About three weeks later, I was in the bathtub reading fiction when I remembered…Armageddon!!! Again…terrified.
I got out and went directly to the bedroom to watch the news.
Aaron was reading in the bed. I turned on the TV, went straight to Fox News, as if it’s what I always do right when I get out of the bathtub. Aaron looked up from his book and said, “What are you doing?” I said, “I’m watching the news.”
I said it in a tone of voice that implied watching the news is what I do all the time before bed…a tone that said, “I watch the news every night, and you are obviously oblivious to my night time pattern...you should be ashamed of yourself.”
Trying to confuse him did not work this time, he was on to me. He said, “What is wrong with you?”
That’s when I saw Brit Hume.
He made me change my mind about my new quest to know stuff. After staring at him for awhile, I decided that I don’t think Brit Hume even likes the news, so I shouldn’t have to like it either. He looks terribly bothered by having to be on TV. He seems annoyed that he’s the one who has to talk to me about important things.
Maybe he knows I’m a lost cause...that current events are just a fad for me.
I was waiting for him to look up, disgusted with me and say, “I have to go now…because I hate you.”
I tried newspapers, but I despise everything about them. They make my hands dirty. They stink. They remind me of animal poop...dog's and bird's. They make my arms tired holding them up to read them. I hate that the stories never finish where they start. Who came up with that system? Who?
I don't have time to read the news. So, I certainly don't have time to go on a scavenger hunt while trying to do so. I end up getting distracted as I’m searching for the end of the story I was just reading…and then reading the ending of some other story, or the beginning of a new one…which leaves me with a really loopy version of what happened yesterday...but confident, since I’m now one of those cool newspaper readers.
Loopy AND confident?
That's one horrible combination.
This combination actually makes me self-assured enough to try and partake in conversations about world news with people who actually know what they are talking about.
Can you imagine?
Normally, when anything news-related comes up, I pretend I need to go to the restroom. That always works.
Add all of that nonsense in with the fact that I only read the newspaper in the mornings, with out enough caffeine for such a task, and the whole thing becomes incredibly funny.
And newspapers…they come so often!
That’s a lot of news to read in just one day. Newspaper reading would have to be my full time job if I really were going to read a whole newspaper in one day.
If I did read a whole newspaper in one day, I would be so proud of myself, I would insist they put me on the cover of one.
I feel so behind and stressed out when we subscribe to the newspaper. I just want to stand in my driveway one morning, in my pajamas, holding up 12 bags of run-over, smelly, wet newspapers crying, “Why is there this much news? Why-oh-why-oh-why?”
I want to declare national no news amnesty day. Everyone just has to sit down and hush…do nothing until I can get caught up on what’s been going on while people are up moving around doing things.
Then, there is the problem of disposing of the newspaper. One practically takes up your whole trash bag. I feel horrible guilt because I should be recycling. Yet, I can’t stand clutter, so a stack of anything in my house just will not do…nope, it just won’t do.
If Steve on Blues Clues would have said, “Little boy, go tell your mommy that planes hit the World Trade Center” or if they would scroll Fox News at the bottom of Sesame Street, then I would not have to bother Brit again.
I dream of a world where I can know if Armageddon is coming, with out having to look at Brit Hume to find out if I should stock up on canned chili.
I dream of a world where this world exists as a link on my blog.