Monday, September 18, 2006

Brit Hume Looks Like a Meany Head

So here’s my latest thing…

I want to be on the up and up regarding current events.

Right now, I honestly don’t have a clue what’s going on in our world. I never have. Ever.

While it would be so convenient to blame my dumbness on having children, or being busy…it would be untrue. When I wasn’t a mother and I was less-busy, I was still dumb about current events.

Every once in a while I try to care about the news. I know I should, so I try. I never stick with it. Actually, I never sit still long enough to watch it or read it.

Aaron told me the other day that Israel was going to war or something and that perhaps Armageddon was right around the corner.

He said it, just like that…so calm, while we were driving around town. I thought he was joking! He wasn’t!

All I could say was, “What? Really?” I was terrified! I vowed that when I got home, I was going to watch the news. If Armageddon was coming, I should know about that…I should be in on this.

But, I forgot.

About three weeks later, I was in the bathtub reading fiction when I remembered…Armageddon!!! Again…terrified.

I got out and went directly to the bedroom to watch the news.

Aaron was reading in the bed. I turned on the TV, went straight to Fox News, as if it’s what I always do right when I get out of the bathtub. Aaron looked up from his book and said, “What are you doing?” I said, “I’m watching the news.”

I said it in a tone of voice that implied watching the news is what I do all the time before bed…a tone that said, “I watch the news every night, and you are obviously oblivious to my night time pattern...you should be ashamed of yourself.”

Trying to confuse him did not work this time, he was on to me. He said, “What is wrong with you?”

That’s when I saw Brit Hume.

He made me change my mind about my new quest to know stuff. After staring at him for awhile, I decided that I don’t think Brit Hume even likes the news, so I shouldn’t have to like it either.
He looks terribly bothered by having to be on TV. He seems annoyed that he’s the one who has to talk to me about important things.

Maybe he knows I’m a lost cause...that current events are just a fad for me.

I was waiting for him to look up, disgusted with me and say, “I have to go now…because I hate you.”


I tried newspapers, but I despise everything about them. They make my hands dirty. They stink. They remind me of animal poop...dog's and bird's. They make my arms tired holding them up to read them. I hate that the stories never finish where they start. Who came up with that system? Who?

I don't have time to read the news. So, I certainly don't have time to go on a scavenger hunt while trying to do so. I end up getting distracted as I’m searching for the end of the story I was just reading…and then reading the ending of some other story, or the beginning of a new one…which leaves me with a really loopy version of what happened yesterday...but confident, since I’m now one of those cool newspaper readers.


Loopy AND confident?

That's one horrible combination.

This combination actually makes me self-assured enough to try and partake in conversations about world news with people who actually know what they are talking about.

Can you imagine?

Normally, when anything news-related comes up, I pretend I need to go to the restroom. That always works.

Add all of that nonsense in with the fact that I only read the newspaper in the mornings, with out enough caffeine for such a task, and the whole thing becomes incredibly funny.

And newspapers…they come so often!

That’s a lot of news to read in just one day. Newspaper reading would have to be my full time job if I really were going to read a whole newspaper in one day.

If I did read a whole newspaper in one day, I would be so proud of myself, I would insist they put me on the cover of one.

I feel so behind and stressed out when we subscribe to the newspaper. I just want to stand in my driveway one morning, in my pajamas, holding up 12 bags of run-over, smelly, wet newspapers crying, “Why is there this much news? Why-oh-why-oh-why?”

I want to declare national no news amnesty day. Everyone just has to sit down and hush…do nothing until I can get caught up on what’s been going on while people are up moving around doing things.


Then, there is the problem of disposing of the newspaper. One practically takes up your whole trash bag. I feel horrible guilt because I should be recycling. Yet, I can’t stand clutter, so a stack of anything in my house just will not do…nope, it just won’t do.

If Steve on Blues Clues would have said, “Little boy, go tell your mommy that planes hit the World Trade Center” or if they would scroll Fox News at the bottom of Sesame Street, then I would not have to bother Brit again.

I dream of a world where I can know if Armageddon is coming, with out having to look at Brit Hume to find out if I should stock up on canned chili.

I dream of a world where this world exists as a link on my blog.


Suggestions?

18 comments:

Dana said...

Oh goodness gracious! I love your wit! What a great post!

Melodi said...

CNN online, dear friend, CNN online! One quick look at the headlines and you've got your news for the day, as well as the ability to click on said headline and read more if you so choose! No wet rolls of paper to drive over, no recycling, no messy hands, just a cup of coffee (or Sonic coke) and a quick glance across the screen. At the very least you will be able to chime in with a, "You're so right," or a "Could you believe that?" when you hear a conversation about the latest food we should eat - NO DON'T EAT IT, YOU'LL DIE - no, today it's fine to eat spinach - NO, DON'T EAT IT......

Jennifer Bacak said...

I have said the exact same thing about newspapers! They get my hands dirty and they stink! I use them to put down on the table when the kids paint. But my oh-so-smart husband does read them. And we DO recycle them! I am the same way...obviously I don't watch the news. I didn't know about 9/11 when it happenned because Barney was on, and there is no ticker!!!But I have a new method for being smart and up on what's happenning in the world...
Go to the gym, and get on the treadmill. Okay, I know I just lost you, Heather, but this is where I gather all the news I've ever known in the last three years. No kidding! Just yesterday I learned that the Pope totally ticked off all the Muslims, and they're setting fire to everything related to us and the Catholics everywhere! I also learned about the nasty spinach. I find out when famous people die (yesterday...Ann Richards.) I find out when wars are happenning. All in about 30-45 minutes of desperation to get my mind off of sweating to death, and my burning legs.
You must try this! It works!
jenn

JudyD said...

First of all, if Heather is running on a treadmill, she will NOT be thinking about spinach or wars or who is ticking off who....even if it's right in front of her on TV. All she will be thinking about is how fast the ambulance can get to Gold's to stop her heart from beating out of her chest OR she will be hooping and hollering to everyone that she is RUNNING (and no one is chasing her with a gun!).

So, I say do the internet thing. Every morning I go to foxnews.com and read up on the latest news. Except they just changed their website and it's really throwing me off.

Happy internet news hunting my friend! Welcome to the world!

Hendrick Family said...

So far, you have given me two great ideas...

What if our stair step instructor said the news while she instructed our class? Wouldn't that be heaven?

They could put a teleprompter at the back of the room. An aerobic instructor who ALSO says smart things off the news...she would be SUPER WOMAN. People would stand in awe of her.

Or...

Judy, who is blogless could just have a blog where she lists all the important things that happened in the news today...in Judy format...funny, precise...with out all that other annoying, boring news writing. Wouldn't that be SO HELPFUL? Judy...come on...do it for the good of mankind...or dumb women...either way...you would be helping!

rachel said...

First off, I love the news. I'm a big dork, but I check it and listen to it often. I agree with Melodi--checking cnn.com helps a lot to get the headlines throughout the day, maybe you could make it your homepage so that when you get online it automatically comes up and you can scan for interesting news? It could even be Fox News if you wanted it.

Another dorky thing that I do and enjoy so much is listen to our local NPR station in the morning (6-9) and during their afternoon news program (4-6). I can just glean news as I cook dinner, clean around the house, take care of baby, drive, and etc. It's a little liberal, but I think they do a wonderful job. Tune it, 90.9 KAMU--they don't even run commercials, just PSAs!

Jon, Sally, & Jude said...

i'm with Judy! What's up with the new fox news website? it makes me not want to read it. why'd they have to go and mess up a good thing?

anyway, i hear from sources that cnn.com is too liberal. i also know that the "conservative" (hard to believe) foxnews.com often has inappropriate ads on its homepage (which would mean that you don't want to make it your homepage). my sister swears by news.bbc.co.uk...but yes, they're british.

some recommend subscribing to WORLD magazine...it's a Christian perspective on the news. AlbertMohler.com is also a great resource for a conservative Christian perspective on the news (you can subscribe to his podcasts too and listen while doing stuff around the house).

that's all i've got.

i do have to say knowing what's going on in the news sets my heart on praying for the world and our nation. if you get nothing else out of reading the news, simply an awareness of what to pray for is enough.

Jon, Sally, & Jude said...

speaking of the news...

you might be interested in checking out the latest in Thailand...

http://www.foxnews.com
http://news.bbc.co.uk/

The Duty's said...

Heather, I am totally with you. I decided about a month ago that I was going to have to stay on top of current events if I wanted to not look like a dork when it got brought up in conversation. Foxnews.com is a regular site I visit daily. And it even has news about celebrities, like Lindsay Lohan is suing because she tripped, etc., which are the main ones that interest me anyway.

the Apels said...

Let me know when you come up with a solution...I NEVER know what's going on unless I catch it on the occasional Entertainment Tonight...and then again, that's just celebrity stuff.

But, I agree, I think Judy should start a blog with interesting, and important news and current events...I like reading her stuff-it would make it bareable and probably more simple to get through...somtimes I don't quite understand what is going on and so instead of pressing on to further my education-I tend to just avoid news columns (especially stuff that's happening on the other side of the world) b/c they make me feel stupid for not knowing what something like Operation Medusa or Tehran is. What do you say, Judy?

Okay...I will let you all know about the most current item to hit the produce section at HEB! Honeycrisp Apples!! They are heavenly...Charlie and I have been waiting for them to come back for like 11 months now! So, I must admit-I bought 12 of them...yup, $14 worth! Charlie told me to get as many as I could...so I loaded up 12 of these monsters...they're huge (like the size of a grapefruit) and they're the best apples you will ever eat. You won't want to go back to any other apples once you eat these...but you better hurry, b/c they won't last long-especially if people start stocking up on them like I did. Heather, you must get a box of these for your Armageddon Stock.

Hendrick Family said...

Aaron is getting me some right now from HEB. Anson and I eat them like crazy. You all have to try them.

Rachel...

I'm going to listen to NPR today. It seems like the perfect thing for me. I did look at Fox News Online...and really...I was lost. Why don't they have a button that says, "Click here if you're a moron?" Or...they should have a "beginners" button. Or, they should at least realize that some of us are not reading the news for fun...we're doing it because we are supposed to do it...it's what grown ups do. So, they should go easy on us.

NPR sounds great, because I also decided that I don't have any room right now in my life for the news. It must be worked in while multi-tasking...in tandem with something else. News and making supper...that will work. News while working out...that would be even better...but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I also thought it would be great, if every time I went to the bathroom, I heard something new about the news. "Bathroom Humes" should be invented. I think going to the bathroom is a complete waste of time...so that could solve my life-long annoyance with having to stop and pee. If evolution was true, we should have evolved out of that a long time ago. It drives me nuts.

JudyD said...

Listening to NPR news will make you feel so "with it"...like you ARE the news. It's pretty incredible. However, at times I find my thoughts wander as the newsman's voice in the background goes on and on. Hopefully, this will not happen to you, Heather.

Here is a thought! Somehow get NPR news IN your bathroom. When you sit for spell, just turn it on. You will get at least one quick headline before you continue on with the rest of your busy day.

I am considering the news blog thing. However, that is a huge responsibility....one that could have serious consequences if I failed to inform you of something important. Like the Ecoli spinach thing. I can't just say "Oops I forgot that one and I'm sorry you died".

Garratts said...

I read the eagle online, because that paper in general is the worst in the world (no exxageration and sorry if you work there.)

Then I read fox news. Don't read CNN because in the words of my oh so conservative husband, "they are Commies".

Anonymous said...

WHEW!! What a relief.

I thought I was the ONLY person left on Earth to Not read the news.

We don't have cable, and I live out in the boonies= no paper.

Sometimes we get the paper at school... this is sweet, but its usually several days old and mostly the sports section.
You take what you can get!

Anyways, I have no insights into finding out more about the news.

Sometimes I hear people talking about something really important that happened somewhere to someone.
And then I ask a really silly question like, "Did the pope really die!?!?"
And they all look at me like I'm from Mars.

I was thinking of this all the other day though. The news is really sad and depressing.
They never report on happy stuff.

.. And congratulations to Billy who actually said "please and thank you today." Why don't they report on stuff like that!?!

Anyways, you guys rock.

You are news enough for me.

<3
Bekah

rachel said...

You could be like us and put a radio in your bathroom--in the shower even. BTW, NPR does headlines news update every hour on the hour for about 6 minutes. I hope you enjoyed it today!

Hendrick Family said...

Well, my first day of being in the "know" was a good one, I think.

I did listen to NPR while making supper. I feel like I learned some stuff.

I learned that I needed to freak out about my Brookie. She assures us she's ok...but still...I was wondering if I needed to go get her.

And...the most upsetting thing about my news day was that I did not find out until about 5:30 p.m. that it was National Talk Like A Pirate Day. The NPR announcer simply announced that bit of super fun information as though it was no big deal...I was in shock.

If I could only rewind this day. I would have done so many pirate things. I will regret not knowing about this until next September 19. Won't that be fun, Ashley? We can talk like a pirate every year on your birthday! You were born on the best day ever. Maybe I'll get you a parrot next year for your birthday.

So...I'm still the most excited about Judy considering the news blog. Really...PLEASE...do it? You and Mark would be amazing at this and fill such a void. Even if it's just me, Kirby and Jenn who read it...we would EVERY DAY. And I KNOW National Talk Like A Pirate Day would have been on your blog...and probably at the top of the news for the day. That's why we need you, Judy...for news and so we never miss another fun, national day of pirating.

Everyone who thinks Judy should do her blog say...

Argh...

Jiffy News said...

Well...here it is...news on a blog. Who would have thought. Of course, in the time it took me to create the silly thing and put news on it, there is probably now a war in Asia and a Ecoli outbreak from Honeycrisp Apples. Check it out: http://jiffynews.blogspot.com.

Jiffy News said...

FYI: I changed the name again. Oh, that's me...Judy, up above.