Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Sinus Boycott



My brother in law, Will came to visit this weekend.
He drove a long, long way to say hello and see his oldest nephew get baptized.

It was sweet.

He left behind…

A yellow shirt

A thumb ring

Snot germs of the Satanic sort.

He left his snot germs somewhere in this house…and as I innocently strolled by them, they jumped on me and crawled up my nose holes.

I don’t think moms with this many kids should ever have to be this sick.

Seriously.

There should be some sort of exemption.

A loop hole.

Like that list on the back of a jury summons that says you can dodge jury duty if…

You are over 70 years old.

You are a volunteer firefighter, rescue squad member or ambulance crew member.
You must care for young children or elderly adults, if your absence will put them at risk.
You are so important to the operation of a business that your absence will cause that business to fail.
You are an attorney, physician, dentist or registered nurse.
You do not have a car and are unable to use public transportation.

When I get sick, that’s how I feel…

Like this is all a terrible mistake…a huge misunderstanding…because…

I can’t be sick.

I just can’t.

Monday morning, I should have been able to take proof of my mother-of-a-million status to someone, somewhere and hear them say, “Oh…we’ll take care of this Mrs. Hendrick…right away…we’re sorry…it’s all been a terrible mistake. You can’t be sick. If you’re sick, how are you supposed to take care of all those kids? What were we thinking?”

I would smile, look relieved and say, “I know! I knew this had to be some sort of clerical error.”

And, then, they would take the sick away, delete it from their files, clickety-clack on their sick-assigning computer…and wa-la…I walk out of that wonderful, make-believe place snot free...free to do the 900 things I need to do that day with out bringing along 900 tons of nose fluid.

That’s the world in which I want to live.

The one where mothers getting sick is a mistake…something that can be quickly remedied with a little bit of quick typing on a computer keyboard in an office down town.

No matter how much Nyquil I take, I can’t seem to find that wonderful world anywhere.

Instead, I’m stuck in this one, where blowing my nose is my new hobby.

Where I lie in bed, coming in and out of
consciousness trying to imagine what on earth sinuses are.

What are they?

Huh?

What?

Are they buckets?

Are they flat?

Can they be removed?

Can you donate your sinuses to someone who will appreciate them?

I have no idea.

I do know that some people don't have them...like children people...because I took Anson to the doctor one time because I thought he had a sinus infection and the doctor told me that was impossible because Anson didn't have sinuses yet.

So why do I have to have them?

And why do mine have some thug riding around inside them driving a tricked out car with hydraulics, blasting base from his radio that’s blaring “All my Friends Drive a Low Rider.”

I mean, I like that song…just not in my sinuses.

The last few days feel like a blur to me.

I know I went to staff meeting.

I made tacos.

Some man came to our door and asked if the jeep was for sale.

Who does that?

Really.

Who just comes up to your house and asks if your car is for sale when there isn’t a for sale sign on it?

I told him I was really sick.

He almost fell off the porch to get away from me.

There were three dirty diapers tied up in three separate HEB bags right in front of the door.
It was a miracle, in this phlegm filled condition I was even able to change three dirty diapers…but carry them all the way to the outside trash can…come on…really…who could do that.

So, I just looked down at them and then looked up at the man wanting to buy a jeep that’s not for sale and said, “Those are diapers.”

That’s what I said to him!

However, at the time, I was mortified that this man I don’t know, was looking at my dirty diapers…not mine…but you know…

I told him my husband’s name was Aaron.

That was his name too.

Weird.

For goodness sakes, Will…next time bring me flowers, or a remote control sprinkler…not your kill a mother germs!

15 comments:

Hendrick Family said...

For the record...

I'm only taking Nyquil when Aaron is home.

No one call CPS.

Hope you are feeling better, Will.

Heather

D.O. said...

You should just call Dr Bacak at 979.482.3950

Oh, and Heather, there is nothing you could have possibly said that would have been better than "Those are diapers."

Note: that isn't really Dr Bacak's number... it's Butch's.

Just kidding. Call it and see whose it is.

sarah said...

feel better Heather.
thanks for the link.
put some menthalatum on your nose--its a life saver.
tiny green bottle, packed with a kick.

Melissa said...

Well, I'm no medical doctor, but my husband asks me the "why do we have sinuses" question A LOT.

I think the short answer is that if we didn't, our heads would fall over from the weight of our skulls. They're there to make our heads lighter.

(You may want to check with your doctor-friend on this one, though).

What I want to know is, why hasn't someone invented a little vaccuum that we can put in our sinus passages, to suck all that junk out of there? Bingo, no more infection.

Hendrick Family said...

Well, I went to see the Amazing Dr. Bacak today. He informed me that on top of my sinus infection, I've also managed to burn a hole or something in my esophagus. Leave it to me.

He gave me lots of medicine, carefully, written down instructions, a prescription for a new antibiotic that I lost within 5 minutes of leaving his office…really…Ashley, I think you have to start going to the doctor with me. I’m telling you…no one should ever give me anything important and expect me to keep up with it…even if my sinuses depend upon it.

The most alarming thing the Amazing Dr. Bacak told me was that in order for my esophagus to heal, I have to cut back on my coffee. He might as well have told me I had cancer. I’m so distraught. What am I going to do? I really am wondering if it’s too terribly inconvenient to keep this hole in my esophagus. I still haven’t reached a conclusion.

On a more positive note…I have learned how to spell the word esophagus…that’s something good that has come out of this whole ordeal.

Brandon said...

this post ranks high on the all-time-most-spectacular-blog-post list. And i agree with D.O...

"Those are diapers" is pretty dang funny when said to a total stranger who, after all, is not looking for diapers...but for a jeep. i doubt he returns.

schmale said...

Write a book! Write a book! Write a book!
I'm gonna make signs.

I'm pretty sure you would have the greatest fan base ever. My side is in pain from laughing so hard.

D.O. said...

I wonder what Jess' signs are going to say...

The Garratts said...

Do you want me to take your kids away from you for a while.

Let me know!!!

Ashley

Jennifer Bacak said...

Don't worry y'all. I think that an IV drip with coffee running through it is the best course of action here.
More postive notes...
-Can you even smell dirty diapers right now? Since Danny poops a million times a day, you can just wait for Aaron to smell it now.
-I love Nyquil! I'd like to take some right now! Live it up on the Nyquil while you can.
-I think it'd be pretty cool to have a low rider in my nose too, playing some funky song. Awesome!

That's all the positive notes I've got right now, but if you near this state of delerium again, could you please let us know so we can take your children to our house? The Amazing Bacaks (which I'd like to attach to my name for once!) would be happy to help. I know you know this, because I call you everyday and tell you this, but I want it to go on public record so that no one thinks that you don't have friends who will help you in this atrocious state.
love you!
get better, for goodness sake!
jenn

wingnut said...

sorry to hear about the hole in your esophagus - I have heard of this before

that's why I refuse to go to the doctor and let him even look at mine - giving up coffee would be a drag...

I wonder if you could substitute with coffee flavored something else - like candy or ice cream. Or would you be able to switch to some other hot drink like tea? Is it the actual coffee that's a problem or some ingredient in it or something like that?

and to echo Jenn and Ashley - feel free to call us if you need some or all of your kids looked after

UW said...

Sorry, I was just trying to be nice. Thought y'all wanted a little part of the freedom I have. Freedom to get sick and have no one to take care of you, and also the wonderful chance to be sick but still have to work. I am finally starting to stop being sick, it has sucked. It's being passed around the deck and actually around the Corpus Christi area. Really I am sorry. I don't like it either.

Will

the groves said...

Heather,

I am so glad that I am not the only one that has this crud right now. My kids at school keep saying..."Mrs. Groves why is your voice so funny"...and I smile wanting to tell them its because all of your sickliness made me sick!

As I was reading though I was very thankful that I don't have kids on top of feeling like this. For that you are AMAZING!

Brandon said...

...point taken on turning off the oven. You think it would have occurred to me to do that, but nope.

Karen said...

Heather,
I am sorry that you are so sick! If I can help out in ANY way, let me know. I will definatly be praying for ya! Hope you feel better soon!!!