Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Shazam! I Fancy Bowed Hayden

In case you are not up to speed on what's going on in my life...

Here is the abridged version:

I'm dumb.

I'm almost 30.

I'm going to learn to do 30 things before my friends throw me a surprise party.

According to this book I bought, the first thing every person on the brink of 30 should know how to do is wrap a present.

Although I do not agree with the author's premise for the need to know how to do this...after beholding the illustration of the fancy bow I said, "Why fancy that, I simply must know how to fancy-up a bow."

The author implies that no matter if you painstakingly figure out where Thailand is and travel there to find the perfect gift, that if your present isn't wrapped in it's Sunday best, the person receiving the gift will think you are a big fat meany head. She thinks sticking gifts in colorful bags with poofy tissue paper is tacky. I think I would want to smack you with my tacky sack if you agree with her. Call me crappy, but I LOVE colorful bags with coordinating tissue paper.

According to her, even if you buy someone their very own Starbucks franchise, if the presentation of the Starbucks franchise is might as well have bought them a chia pet.

To this I say...

The author needs to have children.

Some of my most precious gifts have come from my most precious gifts. Sure, on the outside, the gift may look like one of these precious children beat it up with a stick horse...

then kicked it to his brother who flushed it down the toilet...

then fished it back out with my kitchen tongs...

then used an entire roll of Scotch tape to hold together his masterpiece, accidentally taping the waded mess to the kitchen table...sure...that happens...

But what's inside the smelly, wrapping disaster is always divine.

Even though I phooeyed on her reasoning…I kept reading. This was the first instruction for my fancy bow:

Cut a length of ribbon that's twice as long as the length of the box, plus three times as wide as the width of the box.

That right there was enough to make me ok with dieing at the age of 29.

It's amazing that I didn't quit. She tricked me. She put MATH in a BOOK I am READING. Math in a book…that I bought…to read…for FUN??? It might as well have been pornography.

Hello…Math is still math, even if it’s written with words. I almost started hyperventilating. All I could think of was...if a train leaves the station at 12 p.m. and a pony starts walking to Tulsa...when will the noodle soup land in Japan? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I took deep breathes…and then just unrolled half the ribbon off the spool. Surely that would be enough.

I even kept reading even though she says an awful bad word in the very first chapter.

In my twenties, after seeing instruction number one and the bad word, I would have deleted my post about this book from the blog, hoping everyone would forget about my almost 30 challenge.

I’m getting so grown up. The result of my almost 30 maturity… I just learned the fancy bow from my foul-mouthed instructor.

I'm so proud.

Not of her mouth or of the reason behind the need for such a thing as the fancy bow...

Just of my bow...and that it's fancy.

While I was tying the fancy bow, Hayden said...

Is this going to take to-ever?


When you get done, am I going to be a girl?


He sighed...with relief.


bekah said...

hahaha YOu are so funny!

And Haydn is a precious gift!!


Karen said...

Way to learn something new! Can you teach me too? Very cool! Hope everything in the Hendrick household is going GREAT!

--matt g said...

learn how to make crepes...i did...and i'm only 25...and you only LOOK 25...(18 is more like it).

you and Aaron make me believe that having kids will be great fun...and not as scary as i thought...

as long as i get to keep my young face, trim figure, and ebaum's world time with Aaron.

Six Chicks said...

Oh I miss the many laughs of the Hendrick's houshold!

Heather, I think that colored sacks with coordinating tissue paper is wonderful and way more time efficient-

I hope that everyone is wonderful!

~Lauren Garrison (now Helton!)

D.O. said...

I always have ideas of things to post in the comment section, then I read everyone elses comments and I forget what I was going to write, and I just end up commenting on their comments... This may be the theme of my next post.

Anyway, on a completely unrelated note, I'm going to be in town next week and I'd greatly enjoy some Hendrick hang time. So clear up your oh-so-busy schedules.

oh... and I can't believe Lauren posted something.

Hendrick Family said...

Yes, Karen. I will teach you my fancy bow ways...

Matt Graham, you need to teach me to make crepes. I know how to make some cool stuff that goes inside crepes...just not the, let's combine our skills! Having kids IS TERRIFYING...but super fun'll be like Aaron...have kids and look like you're 14. Marry someone young. It takes all I've got to not make people think the teenager leading worship is married to an old saggy lady. So don't marry someone your own age...that's just mean.

Look at Lauren POSTING!! I love it! You still have not answered my question I posted on the six chick blog....I'm waiting for an email!!!

D.O....yes, come over for sure. What do you want to eat? Nothing healthy or with any nutritional value, I know...but what?

sarah said...

i just always buy the premade fancy bows. there are lots of color choices.

Oh, and Heather, you should get a doll so you could have something female to practice on and not be afraid of any horrific repercussions.

D.O. said...

I probably just want whatever is Aarons favorite meal (other than ballpark food and Jack's tacos).

And let's face it, as long as there is tea and cream cheese delight, I'll be good.

bma said...

i looove gift bags and you can get very pretty ones at the dollar tree guessed it...a dollar. your fancy bow is lovely though, and you should be proud. hayden is an adorable package. every child should have a facny bow.

Jennifer Bacak said...

If you're lucky, I might wrap something in the newspaper for you. My grandmother wrapped all the Christmas gifts in stiff, brown paper, and I loved it! It all matched.
My mother-in-law spend more time and money on gift wrapping than I can wrap my own brain around. Can't do it.
Has Aaron asked you to fancy bow him?
Nevermind, don't want to know.