Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Shazam! I Fancy Bowed Hayden
In case you are not up to speed on what's going on in my life...
Here is the abridged version:
I'm almost 30.
I'm going to learn to do 30 things before my friends throw me a surprise party.
According to this book I bought, the first thing every person on the brink of 30 should know how to do is wrap a present.
Although I do not agree with the author's premise for the need to know how to do this...after beholding the illustration of the fancy bow I said, "Why fancy that, I simply must know how to fancy-up a bow."
The author implies that no matter if you painstakingly figure out where Thailand is and travel there to find the perfect gift, that if your present isn't wrapped in it's Sunday best, the person receiving the gift will think you are a big fat meany head. She thinks sticking gifts in colorful bags with poofy tissue paper is tacky. I think I would want to smack you with my tacky sack if you agree with her. Call me crappy, but I LOVE colorful bags with coordinating tissue paper.
According to her, even if you buy someone their very own Starbucks franchise, if the presentation of the Starbucks franchise is lacking...you might as well have bought them a chia pet.
To this I say...
The author needs to have children.
Some of my most precious gifts have come from my most precious gifts. Sure, on the outside, the gift may look like one of these precious children beat it up with a stick horse...
then kicked it to his brother who flushed it down the toilet...
then fished it back out with my kitchen tongs...
then used an entire roll of Scotch tape to hold together his masterpiece, accidentally taping the waded mess to the kitchen table...sure...that happens...
But what's inside the smelly, wrapping disaster is always divine.
Even though I phooeyed on her reasoning…I kept reading. This was the first instruction for my fancy bow:
Cut a length of ribbon that's twice as long as the length of the box, plus three times as wide as the width of the box.
That right there was enough to make me ok with dieing at the age of 29.
It's amazing that I didn't quit. She tricked me. She put MATH in a BOOK I am READING. Math in a book…that I bought…to read…for FUN??? It might as well have been pornography.
Hello…Math is still math, even if it’s written with words. I almost started hyperventilating. All I could think of was...if a train leaves the station at 12 p.m. and a pony starts walking to Tulsa...when will the noodle soup land in Japan? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I took deep breathes…and then just unrolled half the ribbon off the spool. Surely that would be enough.
I even kept reading even though she says an awful bad word in the very first chapter.
In my twenties, after seeing instruction number one and the bad word, I would have deleted my post about this book from the blog, hoping everyone would forget about my almost 30 challenge.
I’m getting so grown up. The result of my almost 30 maturity… I just learned the fancy bow from my foul-mouthed instructor.
I'm so proud.
Not of her mouth or of the reason behind the need for such a thing as the fancy bow...
Just of my bow...and that it's fancy.
While I was tying the fancy bow, Hayden said...
Is this going to take to-ever?
When you get done, am I going to be a girl?
He sighed...with relief.