Friday, July 28, 2006

It's Almost That Time Jason

It won’t be long…

And I’ll be the dreaded three-zero.

My brother has been keeping me well aware of my near-thirty experience since my 25th birthday. Thanks, younger, bigger brother. That’s what family is for, I guess. They help you move and keep you agonizingly aware of your age.

As I’m flirting with this new decade of my life, I’ve realized three things…


I’m really very dumb.

I’ve never answered one single question when playing Trivial Pursuit.

Notice I did not say, “I haven’t answered one single question CORRECTLY when playing Trivial Pursuit.”


I said, “I’ve never answered one single question…”

That’s because I’m so dumb, I would not even know how to guess. I’m not kidding.

Not that I play that awful game often.

I think I've only had an empty pie pan twice.

Twice was enough to send me into a deep, downward cannonball into the depths of educational despair. How could my brain be this naked?

How could I have aced every test I’ve ever taken…thrown the curve in every college class I ever enrolled (except that one math class, when I was doing good to get double digits)...and not know exactly where Thailand is...or even where to start looking on the globe to find it?

After Trivial Pursuit, instead of sleeping, I would just be there…

In bed

Impersonating sleeping people…yet I was vividly reliving each time my perfectly placed penciled ovals pried my professor’s glance away from the stack of tests reclining on his desk…
He would wait…

My test in hand…

To memorize the face of the one who threw his test over her knee and gave it a good spanking.

With one glance, he would single me out of the herd…

And smile

Peeking up at me, after peering down at my score…

Those smart people, smiling at me

Because of me…

It was like heroin.

How did those brilliant professors not see me for the junky I was? How did they not notice I was high on my grade point average, addicted to A's, but tragically unaware of how congress works?

Didn't they see that I was only good at regurgitation?

Gorging myself with information and then throwing facts up on command...

Now that’s a skill to be proud of, huh.

Did they know that everything I "learned" got thrown in the trash with my used scantron?


There’s lots of stuff I want to do. There’s lots of stuff I want to learn.

Really learn.

As in retain and understand the information…not just vomit it up in a flawless fashion on a scantron.


Even though I’m a dumb, almost thirty someone, I still prefer this over a think I’m smart twenty something.

Early thirties still sounds better than late twenties.

I’m never early for anything. I’m stoked.

I like my age.

I like that I have four nifty kids.

I like that I’ve been married a very long time.

I like that Aaron still can make me laugh more than anyone else.

I like that Jennifer Anniston is a veteran of the thirties…and look at her!

I like that I’m getting used to being me. I've grown on myself. I've grown accustomed to my own face.

I like that I’m done pretending. I spent the first thirty years of my life trying to be normal…trying to fit in…trying to apologize for not seeing everything the same way other people see it. Besides, I was only trying not to be weird because I really thought no one else was...I wanted to relate. Come to find out, we are all a little John Nash, pretending like we aren't. We all have crazy grandmas in our attics and sins that haunt us. No one is normal. No, not one.

I’m going to spend the next thirty years parading my insanity. I’m tired of my self-inflicted bruises from trying to shove myself into a hole never meant for me.

I’m done.

So… now that this Hooray I’m Thirty party is about to start…here’s what I’m going to do with my three things…


I’m going to learn.

I’m going to watch documentaries and read books about real life things.

And fiction. Sorry. I must. I can’t stop that either.

I watched Super Size Me tonight. We are never ever eating fast food again. One of my life rules is to never run unless being chased by someone with a knife...but I want to amend that it's going to be never run unless being chased by someone with a knife, OR unless being chased by someone with a McDonald's french fry. Both are equally as dangerous. Both should send us screaming in terror, trying to wake the neighbors.

I bought a used book about Robert Fulton. I have no idea who he is, but I’m sure I should.

I’ll let you know if you should name your next son Robert after I read 200 pages about him.


I’m going to actually do number one.

And… I’m going to do the things in this book before I turn 30. What fun!

The first thing I have to learn to do is wrap a present. I thought I had this down and could test out of skill number 1…but after glancing through the instructions…I found some things I do not know how to do…namely, the fancy bow. I can’t wait.

Whose birthday is next?

You will have a fancy bowed present. Woo-who!


Now that I’m thirty and don’t have much time left to care what people think, I’m going to wear my pajamas more…like during the day. I like them. I realized recently that I only get dressed because it’s what normal people do. I don’t actually have any desire to do that. I do have a desire to fix my hair and put on make up…but changing clothes even though I’m not going anywhere…I’ve always been secretly against this.

And I’m going to stop making my bed every day.

I've always thought it's the biggest waste of time…especially since I purposefully bought bedding that looks good disheveled.

An unmade bed really does not bother me. Actually, it welcomes me. What bothers me is what you will think if I don’t make my bed. I can’t wait to invite someone over and wait with joy for you to glance over at my undone bedding. I will probably walk in on you, start jumping up and down, chanting, "My blankets are twisted, and you are looking at them! HA!"

It might as well be Christmas, I’m so excited.

Now that I’m practically thirty, I’m doing that sort of soul searching.

What really matters?

A smooth bed?


Not when so much other stuff matters more…other stuff I sometimes don’t get around to because I’m too busy getting dressed to go nowhere, and making my bed so other people think I’ve got it so together that I don’t sleep under sheets.

I told you…



The Garratts said...

I have never made my bed. And I will never make my kids make theirs. I think it is the dumbest thing ever.

I hated doing it as a kid. Why? I was just going to get back in it in like 8 hours.

That was a great post. Really made me think about how much I care what others think. Although I have never thought I was that way too much. But I think I am more than I thought.

I think some of us think we just do it how it was done to us. WOW, if we did that I can't imagine.

SO thanks for that post!!!! Best one yet!

Melissa said...

Well, at least you have a few more months to think about being 30 - I only have until next Sunday.

I still don't feel like I should be this old.

Jennifer Bacak said...

I'm getting the hang of my 30's. I am newly 31, and I also realized that I like the 30's ME more than I probably ever have before. I'm "livin' the dream!" as my 4-year-old nephew likes to say. I know God better than I did in my 20's, and He's been real and up-close in my 30's.
I will be making my bed daily. Not for any of you people, but because it makes me feel really happy.
I really need a few documentaries though! Trivial Pursuit is one of my worst nightmares, and I would only play it if I am wanting to hate myself, or watch my husband spank everyone else.
I was a professional information vomiter! No lie! So good at that. But real knowledge, I'm starting over with my kids and am going to get smart, starting with Kindergarten. Yes!
Come on into the 30's...all the cool people are doing it!
Your super-cool 30's friend.

Grandma said...

You go, girl!

See how out-of-date your exclamations are going to be in 20 years? After a while, you forget to learn to say "off the hook" and "it's the bomb." It's like changing out of your pajamas. Who cares?

My 30s were wonderfully liberating years. 40s were better. 50s are looking good.

You're gonna have a great time.

Melodi said...

O.K., I have no qualms (Trivial Pursuit king of word) about admitting that in a matter of days I will hit the big 4-0!!!! Oh my. No big party, no stack of gifts, just a trip to see "Talladega Nights: the ballad of Ricky Bobby!" I can't wait!!!!! Will Ferrell makes me laugh my tail off - which is a great thing when you're 40! ha! I am a much better/wiser wife, mom, and friend at this age than when I was 20 or 30 and just look at God - blessing me with a baby in the house again! He rocks my face off.


winslows04 said...

Matt and I think it's safe to say that you could possibly be having a mid-life crisis...but of course, that is coming from those mid-20 year olds.

the Apels said...

Man, that was such an inspirational read--you make me want to be 30! But then I was thinking...maybe I should enjoy the next 7 1/2 years and just start reflecting on what really matters...and living this way NOW instead of when I hit 30! Thanks for sharing, Heather! You always save me from wasted, pointless mistakes.

I must, however, continue to make my bed, because my husband likes it made....although, I agree with Ashley's thought-when I was still living with my parents and my mom would be upset that I didn't make the bed...and especially when she would make me do when she came into my room at 4:00 in the afternoon, I thought it was the biggest waste b/c I was going to crawl back in it and unmake it in several hours anyway!