Saturday, July 08, 2006

Invention Two

Husband comes home from a long day at work. Pulls into the driveway and sees wife having what seems to be a seizure, holding a water hose in the front yard. As husband shifts from D to P, he slowly shakes his head and rolls his eyes at his lunatic wife, as she loathes the innocent water hose. Wife sees husband’s truck. Knows rolling eyes are at the wheel. Knows he’s secretly siding with the hose. She wants to kick him in the teeth. But, she drops it…and the hose. He jumps out. She huffs his way.

Husband says, “Radio DVR.”
Wife replies, “Remote control sprinklers.”

That’s a typical Hendrick greeting.

This game Aaron plays used to perturb me until I realized he was never going to stop. If you can’t beat him, join him…learn his ways…then give him a run for his money. That’s my ten-year wedding anniversary motto.

This game Aaron plays is called, “Aaron walks in the room and says something…something odd.” And yet…he utters this peculiar phrase…or word…with a certain inflection in his voice that suggests I would be smoking dope if I did not know exactly why this strange vocabulary just projected out of his mouth. The word that momentarily ago launched from his larynx now stands in the room holding a sign like those airport people do that says, “What kind of Delbert wouldn’t know why he just sauntered in after not seeing you for 8 hours and abruptly said, “Deoxyribonucleic acid?” It would be a rather large card to hold up in an airport…I know. I’m aware of this.

After ten years, I’m proud to say that there are very few times when my mind doesn’t immediately know exactly what my deranged husband is talking about when he walks through a room, looks me in the eyes and matter-of-factly replies, “flame-resistant pants” as though he actually is replying to a question I have asked him. Since there is no question that would elicit the response of “flame-resistant pants,” let the games begin.

You have to think fast.

To win this game, you have to maintain eye contact while someone in your brain runs frantically around trying to find but a hint of something that would cause what Aaron just said to make complete sense. My brain staff is well trained and highly caffeinated. They’re tireless. They run marathons through the file cabinets of my mind in moments. They rewind conversations with Aaron that span over a decade looking for phrases, song lyrics, punch lines. Then one shouts out, breathless as she collapses with exhaustion at her desk, “Carnival, 1998…it’s what was written on the Ferris-wheel guy’s t-shirt.” She passes the baton to some other mind intern, who desperately tries to translate the nonsense.

Silence in the mind office.

Everyone stares at the man holding the baton. Will he be able to do it? He scrunches his face, holds his head with one hand. Can he crack this code?

Yes.

Tension eases as he slowly begins to state, “Aaron must want some cool, vintage t-shirts with funny words written on the fronts of them.” I say out-loud to my husband, “I’ll find you some new shirts, honey.” Aaron leaves the room, pacified. The mind staff screams, jumps up and down and picks up the translator guy on their shoulders.

Touché.

I award myself a medal, continue loading the dishwasher, leaving my mind interns to celebrate. We do good work. I’m proud of my team. I’m proud of my marriage. Me and my mind staff…we’re truly one with this strange man I love.

Radio DVR

It’s one of his best blurts. Think of it. No more missing the news. No more sitting in your car, confused look on your face, thinking, surely the DJ did not say that the group you were just nodding conformed and coolly with, instead of letting go and hip hopping in your front seat…surely radio voice did not just say this group that made you struggle to suppress all your at-home, alone dance moves is called Fraggle Rock. Frugal Jocks. No. Google Socks. Surely not.


No more listening to jingling radio commercials.
Fast-forwarding through hyped, unscripted, unfunny jockey chit-chat.
Rewinding, over and over, to laugh and laugh at the trivia winner proudly proclaim, “Texas” when the DJ asks what city she’s calling from.
Programming your radio to only record the songs you want to hear. Perfect jams every time you sit in your car with out changing CD’s 900 times.
Listening only to songs about rain when it’s raining.

Why don’t we have this already?

I would sell something on the black market to afford to have radio DVR.

TV DVR has changed my TV life. No more commercials. No more Full House. No more waiting. No more having to turn the TV off and read because there’s nothing good on TV. I can watch what I want, when I want, anytime I want with out having to get up and do laundry during commercials. TV DVR allows me to remain seated, happily stagnating as I skip through high-dollar commercials that practically pay for me to watch what I want when I want! How is this legal? I love it!

How can you put a value on sticking it to the man every time you watch TV?

Radio DVR…where are you? I dream of a day when I can FINALLY get in the car, after finding 10 shoes, fixing 5 heads, supervising the scrubbing of 112 teeth, making 5 drinks, bagging 4 snacks, chasing one child across the front yard who for some reason decides to detour full speed ahead, finding one wooden spoon, spanking one boy, buckling two seats, listening for two more to click, running back in for my sun glasses and one red truck, shutting three doors…and selecting the “cool down, mommy…drive with no screaming, even though someone is about to tell you they forgot their back pack or they need to poop, or it’s too late, they already did”, perfect mix of songs.

Somebody make RAVO happen. Ok?

See. Two inventions in one day, announced in one second. It was a big day for us.

8 comments:

UW said...

Yeah, but how often does he just say stuff for absolutely no reason at all? It has no underlying themes or subliminal messages, Hendrick men do that. Or maybe that is just me, construction is driving me nuts, or was I already?

UW said...

Oh and by the way there is such a thing as remote control sprinklers.

Hendrick Family said...

Then get me one!!!

Brandon said...

Best post yet. I am awestruck by what goes on in the Hendrick family. In fact, I say that your DVR is nowhere near as cool as a device that would allow us to watch you guys' lives on t.v. Now that would be sweet. Never dull, never trite...always Hendrick. I enjoyed this a lot.

Brooke said...

sooooo... what would you say if i told you i was coming to B/CS for a weekend?

Your Homie for Life! said...

Heather, how do you get things done around the house. If my family was like yours I would always be on the floor laugh my butt off. Justin says we need to hang out. We love to laugh.

UW said...

Go to www.smarthome.com/31061.html, that is one of many remote control sprinkler systems. There are others in that web page.

D.O. said...

holy crap... I miss you people so much. In case you weren't sure, I like (actually, probably love) your style. That's a big statement.

Thanks for doing stuff just for fun, and thanks for having the world's most visited blog.