Thursday, June 01, 2006

.5 Ply Toilet Paper

Every time people come over, I feel so awkward because I want to make a public announcement while said people are here. To make a long story short, we have in our possession about 9,241 rolls of 1/2 ply toilet paper. It's like wiping with a butterfly's wing. I always want people to know that we don't like our toilet paper either. It's not just them. I think your toilet paper says a lot about you...and our current toilet paper is misrepresenting us big time.

We should probably just throw it all away and get some actual toilet paper, but that just seems wrong...almost as wrong as having to use this 1/2 ply toilet paper.

But, I have an idea. I want to wrap a house with it. Wouldn't that be so fun?'s the deal. Let's vote on whose house we should wrap. Here are the contestants:

1. The Garratts
(they have no this is a plus, and Mike will cry)
2. The Bacaks
(they have some this is a plus as well)
3. I would say the Kramers, but I'm sure at the hour we would be wrapping their house, we would have to stop and talk to the thieves trying to steal something on their you guys are out because I am terrified of facemasks and pistols.
4. The Dutys
(just the thought of this will get Allen so upset, it's going to be great).

Cast your vote. We'll let everyone but the losers know when the destruction of property is going to happen. I can not wait. We'll take pictures and make a movie. And, let's wear panty hose on our heads! Oh my word, I’m clapping with excitement!


Garratts said...

My vote is definately for the Bacaks. Probably since the only other option is us. Mike would poop and then have to have my kidshine name.

What about the Hendricks?

BHG & Co. said...

Though I do not know who the coolest person in the world is (thought it was Aaron, but I do know enough than to think that was his picture... unless he is practicing for the weirdest spin-off of my new favorite show Alias), I do know a thing or two about wrapping (not rapping - important distinction).

Although it is a shame that the Hendricks are not one of the choices, to suggest that they wrap themselves is just plan weird. It is almost as bad as me, not knowing the ID of the previously discussed photo).

Concerning the Duty's... Since it is anticipated that Allen would be upset just thinking about it, making him believe it will happen to him will be as much fun (or more) than if it did actually happen. So though he shouldn't know this, I don't think the Duty's need to be the target.

The Bacaks... landscaping in and of itself is not sufficient justification.

My suggestion? The Garratts are the best choice... if for no other reason, just knowing Mike might (or to find out he actually did) cry upon discovery of said vandal act is... priceless. Pictures would not even be necessary (though if possible, a huge plus).

There you have it... a detailed analysis of probable success given the possible targets. I believe the data to be accurate and compelling.... Mike. get ready to cry!

-Bill, former tp authority and consultant to the CIA concerning all acts of juvenile terror.

Garratts said...

Ok, seriously Bill. I am thinking of driving all the way to Elkhart just to wrap your house.

Fine, choose us, but beware I will tell Mike this is going to happen and we will be waiting every night for you until this happens. Don't forget Mike stays up late. He doesn't wake up with the rest of the world in the mornings.

Plus I am no fan of cleaning that stuff up. Just like the post it notes on the truck.

I am just saying I think it is someone else's turn.

You people will get yours. TRUST ME!!!

BHG & Co. said...

1- I am not scared.
2- i forgot about the post-it thing... very funny!
3- wait all you want, it will happen, and you will wonder how you weren't ready. But at least Mike will have plenty of paper to dry his eyes with... even if he does have to double it over 3 or 4 times.

Judy said...

While I agree that the Hendricks should not wrap themselves, this does not mean it can't be done. Heather and might want to keep an eye on that special toilet paper of yours. Then again...they do have an alarm system. I vote against the Garratts having their house wrapped...only because Ashley won't hear the end of it from Mike. :)

Judy said...

By the way...what is the story behind (no pun intended) such pathetic TP?

heather said...

I stand FEARLESS with Bill. Besides...I happen to have some insider information about when Mr. Night Owl will be GONE TO GALVESTON. Wouldn't it be great if we wrapped your house the first night you were gone...and it was left there forever...besides making Mike say, "You've got to be kiddin' me" which is always funny...when you got back from beachin it up, your neighborhood may have taken a vote and outed you from the Realm of Kinnsington....Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha (that's my evil laugh).

Garratts said...

paybacks are.....well you'll find out!

(That's my sneaky laugh!)

Garratts said...

By the way, thanks Judy! You will not be included in the payback!

Hendrick Family said...

Take some IBS medicine, Ashley...the voting is not done.

Jennifer Bacak said...

I agree that the Hendrick's pathetic toilet paper should be confiscated, and used against them.
None of us should stand in fear of their half-ply threats! We have a zero-tolerance policy with toilet paper terrorists. Remember, pay-back can be a little trickier when you have access to sedating drugs.
Just a warning.
Jenn Bacak

Jennifer Bacak said...

I agree that the Hendrick's pathetic toilet paper should be confiscated and used against them. None of us should stand in fear of their half-ply threats. The Bacaks have a zero-tolerance policy for toilet paper terrorists. Remember that pay-back can get tricky when you have access to sedating drugs.
Just a warning.
Jenn Bacak

Anonymous said...

You know if you really want it done properly, I could come and take care of anyone at anytime. I don't live in that town and have no house to get paid back on. I have many friends that love vandalism and all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things. We have all been on bench "W".


heather said...

What a WONDERFUL brother in law I have! All I want to know is, could I help and could we all wear panty hose on our heads?

BHG & Co. said...

I am loving the idea of confiscating said paper for use on the Hendrick house. The plot is a bit more challenging, but if pulled off could yield fantabulous results... that's right, I said fan-tab-u-lous. In fact I would drive in for the event... pictures must be taken and the happening must be blog-umented. Maybe "cb" from the six chicks could write the story, her writing inspires me.

Don't worry Heather... when it's all over, you can still wear pantyhouse on your head!

Lyns said...

Okay, I can't believe I have missed out on this excitement today......where I have been. I have failed miserably as 'The Living Hope Blog Stalker'.

I think it is hilarious that people were even scared to post a vote for our house. Be scared, be very scared people! Not only is my house next to the projects and surrounded by gang bangers, I have a husband who happens to be the only neighborhood watch member within a 5 mile radius. It isn't past him to chase down our rap lovin' newspaper man at 4 am to tell him to turn down his ghetto rap with all kinds of sickness music or walk outside and stare down an unfamiliar car at 1 am with scarey men staring right back at him! One night, he actually look through our living room blinds 5 times in 30 mintues.....can you say paranoid! Yep, these are actual encounters that we face in the hood daily. Homicide even happens in these parts.

Enough intimidation and pleading my case on why our house shouldn't be wrapped....because you were all too scared anyways.

Loved the tp blog! I'm all for getting rid of that stuff. I would vote for Garratt's house to be wrapped, but only because I will be on vacation with them so I will not technically have a role in this process. What this says about who I am as a person I do not know! But, I'm all for giving these Hendrick people a taste of their own practical joking medicine! You say the words and I'm there.
Peace from da hood yo!
Lil' Pookie Lyns

Brooke said...

i don't think any commenting banter has ever made me laugh as hard as this one (i'm a loud laugher).... and i have to check it at a public computer lab. embarrassing. but, i love it. i wish i was in b/cs to see what actually happens....

p.s. i know where the hendricks hide their front door key. i'm not suggesting anything b/c heather likes me and i don't want that to end. i was just saying...

heather said...

Brookie 2 Shoes!!! I'm in shock! I'm moving my key right this moment! Besides, it's obvious we have to wrap Allen's house simply because he does not read our blog enough. So...I vote for the Dutys. Who's in?

Jennifer Bacak said...

Okay, I'll go for the Dutys, as long as I can wear pantyhose on my head too.
Although, I think Heather may be trying to "wrap" this thing up since the whole thing started back-firing on her.

Garratts said...

I agree, Jenn. I think the Hendricks were getting a little scared. I guess my vote is changed to the Hendricks. And why not. We have had sticky notes on the truck and a possum in our driveway. That should take us right off the list.

Lyns said...

Okay, I'm easily persuaded! The Duty's get my They might think it was some kiddo in the youth group. Ahhh yes, the youth would throw all suspicion off of us. Perfect!

Aaron said...

The Duty's have always had my vote. I'm tired of messing with the Garratts anyway. (Until I think of something else really good.)

Besides in seminary we learned that it was a Hebrew tradition to wrap the house of new parents. Apparently its biblical. And I'm not one to go against the Bible (or tradition for that matter.)

Jennifer Bacak said...

Okay, let's make and plan and do it. Do we take our children? That should be pretty stealth! I have to say, I haven't wrapped a house since my children were born. That's a cryin' shame.

Brandon said...

I vote Duty. He's always so dang good at casually handling his mishaps on stage at LHBC when I "accidentally" mess up on changing the announcement slides. He's impossible to foil. However, the fact that he has a baby girl now makes me feel kinda gushy inside...ya know, a sentimental kinda thing. And Mike Garratt's dry sense of humor (so dry he's practically a desert) would go great with this slapstick sort of humor. WOOT for the Garratts.

the Apels said...

For crying out loud! Our vote is: to be included. I'm glad I made it at the end of this thing. If you guys did this help me.... Well, I guess we'd just look at the pictures--there better be pictures. If I have to be a lookout, a getaway driver, photographer, or nylon seamstress (seamstressor? how about tailor?)--We want in.

Anonymous said...

Interesting site. Useful information. Bookmarked.

Anonymous said...

Has to be one of the most random funny blog posts I've ever seen :D You wouldn't believe that a post written 6 years ago about your toilet paper would be randomly found one night by a Googler from Canada wondering if 5-ply toilet paper existed :D

Good night!