Saturday, May 20, 2006

Snacking Perfected

I just finished eating graham crackers and peanut butter...with milk.

I eat this every single day.

Now...I've told this to several people and they say something quite alarming...their response goes a little something like this:

"I've tried that before...it was ok."

At that moment, great pain is taken as I desperately try to prevent my face from disclosing what my brain is thinking. Sometimes I'm successful. Sometimes I am not. When this unpleasant situation faces me, I now try to have compassion upon these bizarre people...for it's obvious they know not what they do.

After giving this matter lots of thought, I've decided one of two things is going on here.

Either these people are wrong...OR...in their defense (yes, I am now arguing with myself about these odd people) maybe they are not partaking in this magnificent snack in the proper manner.

So...as an EXPERT on this tasty snack, I will now describe to you how a graham cracker, peanut butter and milk snack should go down...in detail.

First, you must have nice and fresh cinnamon graham crackers. No limp ones.

Second, you must have creamy peanut butter...a full jar.

Third, you must have milk...real-life milk from a cow. Preferably whole milk. Yep. I said it. Right now, I know just reading the words, "whole milk from a real-life cow" caused audible gasping among my healthy eating readers. I'm sorry...but that's just the way this snack must go down people. I'm not here today to debate soy versus milk or whole verses watery milk. I'm just here to tell you what's good...real good...really, really good.

Now...you get yourself a big, cold cup of that before-mentioned, real-life, real-thick, cow milk...but don't drink it. Not yet. Nope.

Take all your ingredients to a kitchen counter near you.

Warning: No substitutions allowed in this recipe. All instructions must be followed to the T, whatever that means. What does that mean? Really, does anyone know?

Ok...I've tried this snack many different places, but my favorite way to eat this tasty nibble of all things wonderful is to stand at the kitchen counter...open up the peanut butter jar...then, open up the fresh, flavor-sealed packet of cinnamon graham crackers...break them into pieces (when you get really good at this, you can do this one-handed...take your time...it will come.) Don't worry if you don't break them right on the lines. Who cares. The point is to have pieces that will fit nicely into the jar. THEN...you DIP the graham cracker right into the peanut butter jar. That's why the jar has to be full...and that's why the crackers have to broken. No wimpy dipping. I mean dip, people...your cracker should feel heavy with the bounty of peanut butter.

NOW...this part is CRITICAL.

Remember the milk? DO NOT DRINK IT! Not yet. The pinnacle of this snacking experience happens once you've eaten so many peanut butter dunked graham cracker bits that you are about to explode. At this point, you should not be able to talk because your mouth is so clogged with peanut butter. Once you're full...and you're positive you may begin choking (whichever happens first) THEN you start drinking your milk. Believe me...you will need a full cup. It will take longer than one might expect to get all that peanut butter and graham crackers completely down your throat.

Wasn't that divine?

Being an expert on this said snack, I will also be so bold to declare that if you follow these carefully documented instructions and still have the gall to say, "I've tried that before...it was ok." You may need to spend some time doing some pretty hard and thorough soul searching.

Once addicted, see the post below about Pilates. You may need to start coming to class with me.

12 comments:

Grandma said...

I don't get it. Not the peanut butter part - I've lived with a peanut butter freak for 33 years. I don't get how you have time to chase 4 outstanding little boys all day, home-school one of them (really all of them), create drama and laughter out of thin air, mentor wonderful young women, grow a garden, love a husband, blog for yourself and your boys AND eat the peanut butter. I don't get it. But it's sure fun to watch. Love ya

The Garratts said...

How can anyone not like peanut butter on anything?

Paul Schafer said...

Aaron and Heather,

This is the Living Hope Blogger List. Add this to your side bar.
http://groups.blogdigger.com/groups.jsp?id=2973

Brandon said...

The style of this "how-to" sounds extremely familiar...almost like it's written by the same person who writes Living Hope's skits...hmmm...

Also, I will try this snack one day. I like milk, I like peanut-butter, and I like Cinnamon Graham crackers; therefore, it must be good.

Heather said...

We love you too, Grandma! And...you're right...I guess I wasn't completely truthful when I described PBG&M as a snack. Truth be told, I usually eat this for at least one meal a day...standing. After cooking dinner for five boys, getting them all a plate and making them eat their vegetables (notice I said 5 boys on purpose...I have threatened to spank your son for not eating his vegetables too,which causes GREAT laughter from your grandsons)...well...all I can say is thank God for PBGC&M. I'll be sure to have lots and lots when Popi comes.

Brandon said...

PBGC&M is a mouthful of abbreviation. Is there a solution to having to use half of the alphabet to abbreviate this snack?

Lyns said...

Heather,
I agree with you completely!!! PBG&M is simply amazing. You once enlightened me on this delicious snack and I've loved it ever since. I might add though (very humbly because you are the PBG&M expert) that it is the absolute best on the graham crackers with cinnamon sprinkles. The plain honey graham crackers do not make the cut. I'm getting giddy just thinking about this favorite past time of mine. To cheat or not to cheat.......hmmmmmm!

Thomas said...

I don't like peanut butter because it makes my skin break out in hives and my throat close up, but that's just me.

Bill G & Co. said...

I almost tried to e-mail your husband, but then remembered that he was heading into staff meeting.

Anyway, I am glad we have never talked about this snack before, who knows what look I would have gotten! Though it sounds good, it reminds me of a snack I used to enjoy quite regularly... It involves PB (still creamy) and milk (huge AMEN! on the milk thing), but no crackers.

Instead... toast. But there is a condition. TO enjoy this properly, one must literally hover over the toaster, retrieving the toast the very second it pops up (those skilled in whack-a-mole will note the similiarity) even if it means damaging ones finger-tips. The PB must be spread while toast is hot so that it melts into a beutiful gooey mess, fusing with the toast so that toast and PB become one entity. I con't beleive I haven't had that in so long... I've got to go!

Oh, we are bloggers too! Check us out! http://gernenz-crazyquilt.blogspot.com/

D.O. said...

The popularity of the Hendrick blog truly is mindblowing. I think one reason this site is so pop is the brutal honesty used in each entry. For example, this entry showed me that I'm not a healthy eater because I failed to gasp audibly upon reading whole milk... let it be so.

Heather said...

Thomas, I PROMISE, this snack is TOTALLY worth the Epipen.

Anonymous said...

Your are Nice. And so is your site! Maybe you need some more pictures. Will return in the near future.
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